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A lot of straws on my back just now

by Candycan on 4 May 2011

At this moment in time I am feeling so completely exhausted, more than I can describe: physically, mentally, emotionally.

Today I had a full day of clinics. That's eight hours of talking to patients. Last night I spent the whole evening revising a certain topic as well as I had a tricky patient on my list for today and prior to that, I was at a two hour session at clinical psychology, which I went to straight from a full days work. I've written all of that backwards but hopefully you can make sense of my opposite of chronological description of the last two days. My brain hasn't had time to process anything from my therapy session yesterday, nevermind just relax and not think about anything.

My 'friend' Pou that dumped me last week to spend time with her boyfriend, emailed me today to ask if I'm upset with her because I've been ignoring her texts. The problem is I just don't know which of my feelings about the situation are correct and I don't want to lie to her but I also don't want to confront her with an accusation if it's unreasonable. So I just ignored her. I don't have the mental energy for it and I feel bad about this.

I also heard that someone close to my family died yesterday. Tomorrow is the funeral and I don't even know if I'll get the time off work to go to it.

It's nearly 8pm and I'm starving but so tired I just want to get into bed and go to sleep. Yet at the same time, I don't want to sleep because that will take me quickly to tomorrow, when I'll have to get up and do it all over again. Maybe it's just because I'm so tired and I'm sure by tomorrow I'll be right as rain again but right now I feel...

like, did you ever feel so bad that you wished you could just completely go psychotic or lose your marbles altogether so that you wouldn't have to feel the weight of responsibility of your life anymore?

Right now the idea of sitting in a mental hospital drugged up to my eyeballs and mentally on a different planet seems like it would be a relief. At times like this I envy the people who are too mentally unwell to work (I know that this is naive and ungrateful and that I should be thankful that I can function at the level I'm at). I feel like I'm stuck in that horrible in between place where I am not ill enough to be off work, but not well enough to cope with the pressures of work well either.
 
I'm going to eat something now. Maybe things will seem better afterwards.

C

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JustEliza said on 5 May 2011

Gosh, so many times have I wished I could stop fighting. But I know that for every battle I win (in avoiding deep depression, panic attacks, phobias, and even psychosis), I give more hope to people who wish they could win. Because they can; we can. I hold on to that hope: that even as times get harder, I face more challenges, my mind turns to cognitive soup and I even start hallucinating... I can manage. I can find stability. I can find peace. I can keep going. And I do.

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