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Catching you up (11)

by JustEliza on 15 April 2010

(Selections from March, 2009)

I've tried writing, several times. It just hasn't worked.

Nothing has changed. Except, therapy is ending now, my grandparents are dead, and I like myself a lot less than I did this time last year.


It's still a struggle to write.

6 And I say, ‘O that I had wings like a dove!
   I would fly away and be at rest;
7 truly, I would flee far away;
   I would lodge in the wilderness;

Psalm 55:6-7

Is there a name for someone who can't stay?
This is more than wanderlust. This is desperation.
It does not matter how good things are; I always need to go.


Well, a finale. First round of therapy over. First year over. What have I done?

A necessary and controlled deconstruction:

I am not withdrawn, numb, cold, and emotionless. I only develop the emptiness to hide and protect myself. Rather, I am acutely sensitive and empathetic. Yesterday, I walked in the grounds of an abandoned church amidst the freshly attended graves of strangers, and I cried for them. I know when the wind changes. I can tell all the subtle ingredients in a dish. I can smell the perfume of a woman who used the office earlier that day. I notice that half-second pause before you answer and the flick of your eyes down, left, up.

I need time to process my day. I am overwhelmed. I am aching, I am lonely, I am filled. I no longer blame, but I am still scared. I cannot unlearn a lifetime in a year. I tense when teased. I fight when I fail. I doubt you. I question you. I challenge you.

I forget myself. I am suggestible.

But I am not yet lost.


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callybess said on 11 May 2010

you make me realise the poetry I "try to write" is a self help therapy. for no matter how low I get I don't want to give up and as you say I am not yet lost  , I have fought too hard and for too many years  with mental health and fundamentally I know that I am a good person.   But, can't get everything so difficult....I have the tools, cognitive therapy, but it creeps up on you when you forget to practice it and wham, back fighting the demons....

I won't give up though , I am tough under this "nice" exterior.

Thanks for letting me share.

callybess said on 11 May 2010


(written in a good period)

Hi there! Morphic

I'm the dead wood

I knew you would come

When you felt that you could

You've been hiding too long

As if in the sky

Like a book gathering knowledge

And the clouds floating by

"it's nice to have known you"

I would like to say

But I can't - because it hasn't

It's been HELL in a way

I long for the calm

And the tranquil peace

With the love and the hope

When you give me release

Now you are the Dead Wood

And I am the Tree

Metamorphic Miracle

That was once you - Is Me.

JustEliza said on 14 May 2010

Thank you for sharing, callybess. =)

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