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Pieces of Me (1)

by JustEliza on 27 February 2011

Today I was myself. These days are so rare, now, that I decided to make decisions while I was able.

Decision 1: Admitting I have a dissociative disorder.
Decision 2: Committing to psychotherapy to integrate myself.

It gets more complicated from there. Last month has been very challenging. I meet my new therapist this week, which I have mixed feelings about. I have mixed feelings about everything.

So while I don't have the words for today, I thought I could share a few pieces of me. I've kept a journal since I was 13, but before that I wrote stories and songs. So, even though my mind works hard to forget, the paper remembers. And to integrate, I must remember. Going back is terrifying. My pulse races, my hands shake, my head aches, my eyes glaze over. I start to dissociate. 

Time to do things differently.

----

February, 2000

chilling the heart that in me now lies
its tender motions i do despise
fading self-confidence silently reigns
gazing over this impassable terrain
holding the soft eyes and softer smile
all the more aching for this nameless while
even reason battles here, battles the now
crying hands typing, crying lips frown
society condemns, an impossible gap
unforgiving trees, untappable sap
no precedent, this new terrain forged
quietly approaching millennial doors

----

2002-02-14 19:17:00

"what do you do when your world collapses around you
who do you call
what do you say.


there are a hundred reasons keeping me from walking out that door right now
and a hundred more reasons begging me to

whatever the reasons I might have,
whatever the need is,
to find someone
to call home

it's not enough

I never know what to say.
Never.

I've spent my whole life sucking it up and moving on.

















there's nowhere left to go.



these entries are echoes to myself."

----

 

Are they ever.

 

Something in me wants out.

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Ixen said on 28 February 2011

I don't really know what to say, im almost 20, i feel like im broken like everything is distant, unreal.  i struggle to sleep at night and when i do finally sleep, i will feel exhausted no matter how much sleep ive had. im hungry but the thought of food jus makes me feel sick. I  no longer care about my money or possessions. ive no interest in my hobbies.

and i feel like most my friends care about drink and drugs more than me, tch i know they do.   tbh i don't know what i would do if i didn't have music its like the only thing i can take comfort in and enjoy.  but at the same time i refuse to jus give up and die, ill hurt myself but its jus so i can know im still alive.  i need help but don't like asking for it and i struggle to talk bout my problems unless im anonymous.  tbh doubt anyone will even read this let alone care, but at least im trying to fix myself.

 
torchwood fan said on 28 February 2011

you sound in a bad place right now if you admit to yuorself what youve got maybe it will help you get through the bad days im scared of meeting my psycotherapist too so i know how that feels hope you get back on track soon

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