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My intro...

by J Ha Perso on 7 February 2011

Hi all,

I'd like to welcome you to my mental health blog.

I'm a 26 year old female, who was diagnosed with depression about 3 years ago. Like many people who have experienced depression, I have had issues with my mental health since my childhood... and like some people who have lived with depression; I kept it to myself for years and years. 

I have read through many of the NHS blogs and comments regarding mental health and although each story is different, many of us seem to feel the same.

So, without further ado I would like to give you an insight to my story and in turn, lead you to where I am today...

Dad left when I was about 4 years old and although I am left with stories of how he'd beat my mom and abuse my siblings, I like to think that I turned out OK, considering. Growing up, I was more or less raised by my older siblings while mom worked and partied with various boyfriends. Mom would come home on the odd occasion full of drink and aggression, but all in all I was ok. I always had food in my tummy, a roof over my head and money in my pocket. I think my mom must have had her 'wild years' during my teens because she was always out and about and hardly ever at home. While my friends were having family meals and family outings, I was doing the washing and the cooking and the weekly food shop. By the age of 14 I'd moved house several times, been to various schools, left home and worked part time while going to school.

I was so independent back then, and so very ambitious. I remember writing to the National Royal Ballet school and to the Arts Council for college application forms at the age of 13, I was either going to be a dancer or an animations artist for Disney. I had it all worked out back then...

I had my first serious boyfriend at the age of 14, I was almost 15 when we got together and we were together for 3 years; he was ok, we just grew apart. Having a boyfriend distracted me from my career ambitions and before I knew it, I was in and out of college going from one job to the next. The same thing happened with my next boyfriend, I was with him for 8 years, engaged and unengaged, together and apart... in the end we just wanted different things. Amongst all the boyfriend drama, I again moved from one job to the next, untill I finally settled in my current position (of 4 years). God I've hated this job, stress and conflict and misunderstandings and clashes of the female personality have caused me so much stress in my work and personal over the past few years that I have resorted to having what I can only describe as a 'breakdown' and I am currently sitting out my 5th week off work due to depression. 

On a high note, I have been blessed with an angel-like being who has come into my life, my lovely boyfriend of 8 months. Stresses of the past months seemed to have filled me with rage so much that I struggle to control my anger. My boyfriend (poor boyfriend) has been on the receiving end of so much un-called for abuse from me. I apologise and go through the guilt every day, but it doesn't take back how I have treated him. It's not fair. 2 nights ago, I had several glasses of red wine at a party, I had a great night and so did he, until I ruined it all by lashing out on him physically. I've never done that before, I have never been so full of anger that I've resorted to un-provoked violence on the ones I love. Where has this anger come from? Lucky for me, he has decided to stand by me and try to help me through these issues. I'll never forgive myself for hurting him, my attitude has been disgusting. 

Moving swiftly forward, my current statistics are as follows:

Mental state: depressed and aggressive

Help sought: Psychologist seen last year and Bi-Polar ruled out. Various meds prescribed by GP, currently trying new meds.

Physical state: gained 2 stone in 6 months- not happy about this but forcing myself to exercise and eat well

Job prospects: Nil. Currently on sick leave from work, cannot take my job and my boss. In fact, I am scared if what I might do if I return to work. Can't stand it there. Currently looking and applying for new jobs but no luck so far

Day to day moods and feelings: In a single day I will go from feeling so low that I don't want to get out of bed, to so much rage that I could destroy my flat, to feelings of loneliness and emptiness and then on the odd occasion I'll feel relatively normal. Most of the time I am planning and worrying, making lists and if I can't follow the list or meet an objective on the list it’s literally like it's the end of the world. I generally find it hard to see the good in anything and I do not trust many people either. My boyfriend has had a lot of experience with depression in the past himself and he says it's like I think everyone is out to get me. The fact is, I don’t recognise myself anymore. I'm so unhappy, but most of all, I'm so fed up of being fed up now.

Moving forward: I have a teleconsultation booked in a couple of weeks with the local psychologist along with another trip to the doctors. 

Today I woke up feeling like crap, this afternoon I felt like going back to bed and never getting back up, tonight I feel like I'm ready to fight depression. I've had enough of it now, I've had suicidal thoughts and I've even put them into action over the years. I've shed so many tears and stressed myself out to the point of vomiting. My depression has put loved ones through Hell and more but tonight I am thinking that life is too short and if depression will ever consume me then I shall not go down without a fight. 

I hope that my opening will act as some sort of light and hope to those who have been, or are going through the same thing. I decided to list the details of my past incase anyone can relate and perhaps point out some factors worth taking to my next GP appointment. I am currently in a place where I do not know if my depression is bought on by chemical issues or past issues from my childhood, or both. I feel that getting to the bottom of this could really help my battle with depression, and if I can be any help to any of you reading this, please do drop me a comment.

 

Thanks for listening, J.

 

 

Comments

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Kpr said on 8 February 2011

Hi, where did u go to get help?  I am having it really difficult with my partner who I live with with. I found out that he has been depress and has anxiety for years. He loss his mom, said he was beaten up my his brother when he was a little boy and locked in a room. We have a beautiful little baby boy. He said he

loves me and the baby but he does not spend time with us or show us. He  sits with his friends everyday frm morning till night  smoking weed. He smokes 20 ciggeratts in 2 days. If he is home is sits on the computer looking on boats, cars, ebay, and reading the news. Frm he gets up in the morning till bed time.  He does not want to work.He resets his computer almost everyday.His friends  they uses him but He cannot do without them. When I try to let him see wat  they r doing to him. He shouts, pasted up and down bang things, use words  infront of my daughter who is 12yrs and not his child that i cheated on him. I  cannot ask him where he is. Cos he would just start to shout and say he is not  cheating I am the cheat. When I say I never said anything about cheat, he  would I am the cheat, an argument would start and it would go on for days. He pack his bags every time there is an argument and goes to Kent. I live in London. He then calls everyone of his friends and told them I kicked him out

 
Kpr said on 8 February 2011

He depression and other mental health I affecting me. It makes me feel I need to go on depression tablets as well, I cannot sleep with him cos I am turn off by all the fighting, but doesnot understand do u  know who I can take him to speak to. His doc told him to make an appointment but he does not want to

 
J Ha Perso said on 8 February 2011

Hi,

I am sorry to hear about the problems you have been experiencing with your partner. I am no expert, but to start with I think you've done the right thing by sharing your concerns and you are right to research these matters on the NHS website.

It was my ex boyfriend who convinced me to see my GP. I told my GP about how I was feeling and the day to day dealings of my up and down mood swings. My GP referred me to a local clinic who assessed me for Bi-Polar disorder, this type of depression was ruled out post-assessment and I returned to my GP for further assessments. My GP prescribed me with some medication (antidepressants) and monitored me for several weeks, due to my recent 'bad spell' my meds have been changed and I have been referred back to a psychologist.

I have seen various GP's at my surgery about my problems and all of them have been really understanding and non-judgemental.

From what I've read in your comment, it seems like your partner unfortunately experienced a lot of trauma during his childhood, perhaps this is why he has trouble opening up to you. Counceling may help him to talk about this and really let things out. It must be hard for him to carry around so many bad memories, however it is unfair for you and your children to suffer for his past- just like it's unfair for my boyfriend to suffer every time I 'flip out' at him.

Sitting in the house all day certainly won't help him, perhaps he finds it difficult to face the open world? Smoking excessive amounts of weed is obviously a no-go, it's not good for you at the best of times, let alone when you're feeling depressed.

At the end of the day, if he really loves you and the kids (which I'm sure he does) he needs to start helping himself; because you can't help him if he doesn't help himself. Perhaps he would find it useful reading through the Mental Health blogs, it's helped me knowing that I'm not the only person going through this. There are lots of links and useful websites/contact numbers to try on here too.

It's a shame that you are starting to feel depressive symptoms too, perhaps it's worth talking to your GP; you need to be in good health for your kids.

Good Luck, be strong :)

 
Caspar said on 8 February 2011

Hi J,

welcome to the MH blog! That's a great introduction.

Caspar

 
J21 said on 11 February 2011

You are brave posting blog and sharing i came across this site as i wanted more info on depression as i am going to see GP on Monday and considering taking anti depressents.  I have been on fluxotine before for anxiety.

It helps knowing others have experiencd same feelings as me and are struggling.  I often feel that there is something wrong with me and i am paranoid.  I find it hard to relate to others and quite person.  I often feel angry and internalise it.  

I can relate to the weight gain, as i have put on three stone over three years.  Luckily i have a wonderful husband who has put up with my bad temper episodes these seem to be hightened with alcohol but the funny thing is i also rely on alcohol sometimes to make me happy.

 
J Ha Perso said on 16 February 2011

Thank you. Hope you got on well at the doctors. It does sound like we have the same sort of symptoms doesn't it, I'm such a paranoid person too. Having a real 'down day' today, so will keep it short but I hope things pick up for you.

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