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Posts from April 2010

  • Catching you up (13)

    by JustEliza on 23 April 2010

    (Selections from June, 2009)


    There's new writing on my blackboard. "Do not self-censor."

    I don't mean say and do everything that comes to mind. But everything deserves due consideration. When I am used to living so privately, so carefully, so avoidantly... I need to stretch. I need to ask myself: "What is really stopping me?"

    "What am I trying to hide?"

    ---

    The memories, those little wisps, they are starting to interject themselves into my days again. Breathless, disjointed pauses. Just one unified moment of taste touch smell sound... sight. One hour, researching NHS guidelines. One millisecond, Lost friendship. Remember. And it lingers, that one millisecond of nothing, while the rest of the hour fades away.

    They are coming, more and more frequent. The answer is two months. Two months of stirring up dust. Two months new. And then the brain starts flipping channels.

    Tonight I walked in place.

    I will forget. I will.

  • My word, what a day!

    by barmycarmy on 23 April 2010

    I'm absolutely exhausted :(

    Work was so so very busy and i dont deal with stress very well if i'm honest. I had all the top bosses in and by the time it came to 4pm my nerves where shot. I had a panic attack (I have an anxiety disorder on top of my suppose bi-polar disorder) and i'm still reeling from it now. Trying my best to just sit back and relax otherwise i'll be a wreck by tomorrow.

    I think stress is a major trigger in regards to my bipolar. I dont seem to handle things very well and i sometimes think if i could learn to i would be a much happier person. But then i dont know. I think i would be happier if i was thinner/smarter/prettier. I guess really i should just learn to be happy with what i've got.

    I hate having panic attacks though! It makes you feel so helpless and i feel so stupid when i can feel one building up. I should be able to control my emotions better.

  • i'm back

    by dontcare on 23 April 2010

    hey guys, just to let you all know that things are fine now.  i managed to get my thoughts back the way they should, it took time and persistance at c.b.t.

    i didn't self harm although the urge was as big as it ever was.  just got to keep up the meds and c.b.t., but its worth it in the end.

    take care all

    lx

  • Edges

    by Daniel S on 23 April 2010

    I was talking recently with a good friend who is a fellow citalopram user. He was telling me that when he’s off the stuff he feels noticeably sharper of mind and more imaginative.

    I’m not sure I can empathise. My daily dose of medication is significantly larger than my friend's, and yet I never feel hindered by it. I’m certain that it works to curb my depression, but I doubt it reduces my creativity. Quite the opposite, in fact; when the black dog bites the pain distracts me from my work as a journalist and blogger, and from my various interests. Citalopram muzzles the beast and I can go about my day unharmed.

    I do worry sometimes, though, that the drug has knocked off too many of my edges. Has my overall character become blander? Is my humour less witty and acerbic, and are my ideas increasingly unoriginal? I have to remind myself of two things: that it’s a small price to pay for a stable state of mind, and I'm hardly Ernest Hemmingway when I'm not on the pills.

  • A letter to a loved one...

    by Will-R on 22 April 2010

    Hello All,

    Again, sorry I take so long to get back to you guys but I think that the letter I sent to my ex-girlfriend (still good friends) might be easier to explain it than to re-write the whole thing out again. I give you my email...

    Hey ????,

        I keep picking up the phone to call you but I'm in one of those moods where I don't know what's right or wrong. I pick it up, I think of you and check my mobile for your number, then I put the phone down. I keep thinking my mood might improve if I talk to someone but I don't want to talk to anyone in case it doesn't; so I put down calling you as a bad idea on my behalf.

        I do think you had a point about the text you sent me last night, although I think it might be the other way around. I think maybe I'm not the best person to have to put up with for more than a few days; I'm thinking I was premature in asking you to come over when things aren't quite working out for me at the minute. I think it would be better if I got rid of most of my issues before I subject you to my madness just yet.

        I do my best to be the cheery person you used to know but sometimes I find that my temper is no longer controlled by my head and sometimes I just want to shout at people and tell them all to flip right off. I don't want that person to be you so I'll try to ring when I'm feeling not quite so bad.

        Things have been falling apart around me like nothing you'd believe (that's why I think living with parents is usually a damned good idea) and I can't afford to carry on like this, it seems like the stronger the meds they give me the more my life is falling apart. I'm aware it's the other way around; life falls apart - more stress - meds up - still can't pay bills - more stress - up meds. I'm seriously thinking that there's only one set of tablets left (and I'm on major depression pills at the moment!)

        I've always thought about my life as a game of Jenga... I build this tower, slowly and steadily so nothing falls out of place, and then just when you're nearing the pinnacle of your achievments and think you're on the right track, some flump comes and pulls out your lower bricks and your little brick tower comes tumbling down. Funny thing about that because the bugger who knocked your tower down is saying you need a four-block-high tower to keep getting government pay; but all I can do is look in sheer distress at my collapsed world... Again.

        The new meds tend to stop me from doing mad things to myself but I still need to take the pain away so I've resorted to drinking again - like I mentioned at some point, I drank quite heavily after my mother passed (140+ units/week) and it seems, money permitting, I'm getting that way again...

        That's not what I want. At all. But life is really not doing much to help me out at the moment [see: My law specialist trapped abroad by bloody volcano ash and only a week left to respond to my appeal (second level)]. Still, life goes on.

        Good News/Bad News time: The bad news, I'm struggling to focus on anything at all; music, movies, series, books, programming... The good news is that I seem to be fine with action movies (watched Legion last night and I didn't think it was that bad; watching Repo Men now and it's not too bad either) as long as the action keeps up the pace otherwise I lose all interest - I've turned Robocop 2 off 6 times already!

       Anyway... Thanks for putting up with my crap. Love you to bits. Speak to you when I'm feeling better...

    Love as always,

    Me, xxx

    I find it explains a fair bit till I get the courage to write something meaningful for you guys...

    I've been trying to stay focused on my programming but it's like my brain has detached itself and is hiding somewhere I can't access - I've already completely forgotten trigonometry - I've downloaded a stack load of papers on it but it just won't sink in anymore...

    'I feel that I'm becoming a shell and that I might easily be broken.' - WR, 2010

    But, as they say; 'It's not over till the fat lady sings' - I'm just worried that I know so many larger women who are fond of karaoke...

    Sorry I don't have any good news as yet but I still wish you all the best of success in your endeavors (good endeavors!)

    Kind regards, as always,

    Will (",)

  • Part 2!

    by lilruthc on 22 April 2010
    My initial post was written in preparation for joining this blog, and the day before I saw the counsellor. Yesterday I saw a counsellor who had been recommended to me by a friend to see if he could help me. We sat down and had a long discussion. He asked a lot of questions to establish how I had come to see him, and I was totally open with him, I think that's important if you want to be helped. In the end, he said that he felt that psychotherapy wasn't going to be of benefit to me, but he is contacting a colleague about possible yoga classes. He thought (and I agree) than I have a higher than normal baseline anxiety, that can get worse when I have stresses in my life. I need to learn to relax properly, and I mean really relax. But that is where I need help so I'm thinking of giving yoga a go, to learn proper breathing techniques.
  • well here I am :)

    by lilruthc on 22 April 2010

    Hey everyone. I’m Ruth and I’m 24. I turn 25 in June. I’m a student, finishing off my PhD in nutrition, at the moment I am writing my thesis. I apologise for the length of this, I wrote this yesterday to try and give everyone an overview of where I am at the moment, so please stick with it :)

    I’ll try and start at the beginning! For me, everything started about 6 years ago. I was 19 years old approximately, had got my first serious boyfriend and had finished my first year of my first uni degree. I was originally studying for a degree in dietetics. I went back to uni and started to show the first signs of my illness. I was anxious, shutting myself away, no appetite, heart racing, erratic sleep patterns, vomiting, weight loss.....I struggled on for months not recognising what was wrong with me.  At the start of the term exams, everything got bad again. I decided the boyfriend wasn’t the one for me and so made the hard decision to end the relationship with him, and decided to take some time at home with my parents away from uni. In this time away, I also decided to change my uni course and drop down a level. I saw the doctor about my symptoms who suggested that I was showing signs of anxiety and/or depression, they suggested medication (fluoxetine) which I initially refused for approximately a year, as I was scared of who I might become! I decided to start on medication in my final year, and in the short term it did me good, I regained the part of me that I had lost. I also got a new boyfriend who I am still with 5 years on.

    At the end of my degree, I decided to stay on for further study as I loved working in the lab. I’m now at the end of this period of study, and as I started to write my phd thesis, all the symptoms came flooding back. I’d had a bad start to the thesis writing process – my work was rejected by a journal for publication which I didn’t take well. It made me cast doubt over my own work and my PhD in general! My supervisor was very supportive regarding this – I should mention him as he has been a star.

    Amongst these events my symptoms have come and gone from time to time, little things can bring them on. Things that I should look forward to e,g a holiday or a visit from friends, get me worked up, and I display the same signs....feeling edgy and nauseous, increased awareness of my heart, no appetite etc. I’ve been on citalopram for over a year now I think, and while it takes the edge off things, it doesn’t actually “cure” the problem so to speak which I always knew it never would be able to. I just don’t know how to rid myself of these feelings! I wish I could live a normal life without worries and panics that affect my everyday life.

    The thing about my symptoms that worried me the most is the lack of appetite. I’m only a small person – 5ft2, 8stone ish. When I have these bad patches I basically stop eating and lose weight which I really don’t want to do. I also get bothered by the throwing up that I get – when I have no appetite and try to eat I basically throw up the moment food gets into my mouth. It bothers me cos I don’t want to be sick, and I worry about what other people think when I retch over my food!

    So – first step was taken a few years ago in accepting help in the form of medication! But that doesn’t completely stop these things happening, so my next step....I’ve booked a counselling session for tomorrow. I think some issues need addressing, I need to learn how to cope with stress and to relax I think. But I’m also very good at trying to pin blame on why this is happening on things. I want to get it sorted so badly.

  • Hello :)

    by Meg1 on 21 April 2010

    Hi there. My name's Meg, I'm 19, and I've very recently been diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (or Borderline Personality Disorder). I'm hoping to keep this blog as a way of tracking my progress as I come to understand how BPD will affect my life and what exactly it means for me.

    As I understand it, Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder means that I have difficulty making and maintaining relationships, completely unstable moods and am not properly equipped to deal with my emotions. This means that my moods are up and down all the time, which I find exhausting. I have a boyfriend of 10 months, which is something I am definitely proud of; it isn't easy for me to keep the relationship going sometimes, and I'm sure that I'll be blogging about my difficulties in the future. It's exasperating sometimes because I want to stay in touch with friends but some days I can't find the energy for a text or an email or a letter. Self-harm is also something that I've been struggling with for 8 years now. Part of my BPD is dissociation, which is where I lose touch with reality. I hear voices, which is something that makes me feel properly crazy sometimes. I'm on anti-psychotics and anti-depressants (Quetiapine and Citalopram), neither of which are doing that much to help, but I've recently started seeing a new psychiatrist. She diagnosed me with BPD and gave me the Quetiapine, instead of Aripiprazole, which is what I was on before, for 6 months.

    I don't want to write too much for my introduction, so I'll leave it at hello :]

     

    Meg

    x

  • Hello World!

    by barmycarmy on 21 April 2010

    Well hi there! This is my first post so i'll introduce myself.

    My name is Carmel, i'm 26 and i've been a sufferer of mental illness for over 10 years now. Its only in the last few years that i have tried to take contol, get a offical diagonsis and get on with my life. However, its not as easy as that, so i'm hoping by writing down my own experiences other people may benefit.

    I also believe blogging is a great theaputic tool.

    My current situation is that i'm on a waiting list for Primary care (Counselling and Cognative Behaviour Theaphy i think) but right now i'm un-medicated and not really coping well. Depression is a horrible thing to have to battle through, and when your not on medication its a harder battle. My current work situation doesnt help at all as it adds to my already terrible mood. I'm also in the process of moving out. Lots of stress to deal with :(

    Its not been a very nice few weeks. As i havent been medicated for over a month i'm starting to feel the symptoms again. I'm very miserable. The smallest thing has me in tears. I'm feeling really paranoid. Tired all the time and over-eating. In general i'm just absolutely fed up of my life and i cant see a way out. If it wasnt for my supportive boyfriend then i dont know if would be here, writing this blog. However what is strange is this week not a great deal has changed, but my mood has. My mood swings can be long lasting or quick changing and it has been suggested several times that i suffer from Bipolar Disorder but getting a diagnosis is near on impossible. I have spent the past 3 years or so getting to the point i'am now. Primary Care is my next step, but a waiting list is so disheartening. I could be waiting weeks, i could be waiting months! Thats the really rubbish thing.

    In the meantime i'm just expected to cope, but sometimes i just dont feel like i can. It can be a real struggle to get out of bed most days. I also have a history of self-harming. Something i havent done in awhile, but the thought process is still there. My GP appointment this morning was a waste of time as i was told to make a appointment with another GP. The only times i can fit a appointment around work is Tuesday and Wednesday mornings so thats another week without anti-depressants. I sometimes feel as though doctors turn there nose up at mental illness. As if its all imaginary. I only wish it was :( The support just doesnt seem to be there right now.

    Anyway i'm rambling. Hope everyone is ok.

    Carmy xxx

  • I can't remember what I last posted, but I've depleted a lot. More than I ever thought I would. I've already cried twice today, boarderline three times; not as bad as yesterday, though - I cried 3 times by 9:30am. But, not to worry, I'll probably end up crying a lot more tonight. :)

    So, let's see...I was originally put onto 50mg of Sertraline...With no effect, apart from extreme fatigue for about a week. After that, I had it bumped up to 100mg - With absolutely no effect whatsoever. So, as of Monday, me & my doctor decided it would be best to come off Sertraline, since it's not having any effects on my mood and behaviour. I'm meant to be taking 50mg a day until Friday, but I've decided to come off them completely - No effects so far.

    I've come to terms with the fact that alcohol no longer helps to bump up my mood and I haven't self harmed in months, albeit that will more than likely change today. I cannot physically cope with this anymore. I was supposed to be back at college yesterday, but here I am, taking yet another day off because I cannot face it. The only thoughts that have been running through my mind for weeks now are those of extreme suicide. The urge is so strong I just want to give in.

    All I can seem to do currently is lock myself away upstairs, cry, watch a bit of tv and stare at the wall - with the exception of being able to go on my laptop for short periods of time. I've lost all interest in pretty much everything. I'm already aware that I'm currently in a severe depressive episode, although I'll probably deny that later on.

    Doctors orders? Go to A&E if you feel you can't cope. I've not got other medication to take in place of Sertraline, but I'm completely and utterly terrified of going to A&E. Why so scared? I'm scared they won't do anything. I'm scared they'll think I'm fine, or there's nothing they can do. I feel like my head is being split apart every waking moment and I can do nothing to subdue it.

    In brief: I think I'm going insane.

    I think the only option I have left is to go to A&E and beg for help...

  • Catching you up (12)

    by JustEliza on 20 April 2010

    (Selections from April, 2009)

    I am 'between' therapists. This is my 'regrouping' period.

    I change jobs soon. This change should be enough to keep me going for a while. It's also fixed term, which means I am not obligated to stay on in a new contract. Most people probably see that as a negative, but it gives me a sense of relief. There is closure, already, and I have not even begun.

    I have been listening to myself but still not treating myself well. Vitamins, flossing, moisturiser -- much of the time. Not most. Indigestion, spots, and now cramps. A year now since I started therapy and also a year since my last proper menstrual cycle. In many respects, the lack of cycling hormones has helped me achieve a certain stability. But not being able to have children means we've stopped trying. Or rather, I've stopped trying.

    --

    I'm trying to use my 'powers' for good.

    I recognise the transition into detachment (depersonalisation?) now: that horrible and condemning feeling of deathly solitude. It glides underneath a layer of frenetic anxiety, like slipping through quicksand, and I will do anything to avoid it. Give me the years of depression back. I will trade this mad cycle in: to be quiet and sad again.

    The take-home message is that I do not deserve support. Not as much as the next person, who does not have my strength, who cannot see herself as clearly, who does not learn as fast. These gifts.. I refuse to see them as the cause and certainly not as the solution. They do not make it easier. They make it different. I am different. My body has different failings. My life has different challenges.

    So I need different tactics.

    It hurts (a lot) that there is no single answer. Not for any of us. I wish more experts would acknowledge that a single human being -- one brain, one body, one life -- is far too complex for us to ever know (muchless heal) completely and correctly. Medicine is an imperfect science, as most science is imperfect, based on small pieces of sound logic and then applied statistically across a sample. The actual equation, in reality, is far too complex for us to ever get right. There will always be outliers. Always be exceptions.

    Not that this should stop you from trying.

    It certainly does not stop me.
     
    ---

    I keep trying to write and fail.

    Vitamins, Exercise, Sex, Laughter -- these things get me to tomorrow, but really, what's the point? Why do we all even bother? I'm not considering nor recommending suicide. As safe and secure as I am, though, I can't help but think I'm better off being too stupid or too dead to care about 'why' like I do.

    Two days. On the third day, I broke.

    Most people just sit around and watch TV on their days off.
    But I don't seem to have come with an off button.

  • Catching you up (11)

    by JustEliza on 15 April 2010

    (Selections from March, 2009)

    I've tried writing, several times. It just hasn't worked.

    Nothing has changed. Except, therapy is ending now, my grandparents are dead, and I like myself a lot less than I did this time last year.

    ---

    It's still a struggle to write.


    6 And I say, ‘O that I had wings like a dove!
       I would fly away and be at rest;
    7 truly, I would flee far away;
       I would lodge in the wilderness;

    Psalm 55:6-7

    Is there a name for someone who can't stay?
    This is more than wanderlust. This is desperation.
    It does not matter how good things are; I always need to go.

    ---

    Well, a finale. First round of therapy over. First year over. What have I done?

    A necessary and controlled deconstruction:

    I am not withdrawn, numb, cold, and emotionless. I only develop the emptiness to hide and protect myself. Rather, I am acutely sensitive and empathetic. Yesterday, I walked in the grounds of an abandoned church amidst the freshly attended graves of strangers, and I cried for them. I know when the wind changes. I can tell all the subtle ingredients in a dish. I can smell the perfume of a woman who used the office earlier that day. I notice that half-second pause before you answer and the flick of your eyes down, left, up.

    I need time to process my day. I am overwhelmed. I am aching, I am lonely, I am filled. I no longer blame, but I am still scared. I cannot unlearn a lifetime in a year. I tense when teased. I fight when I fail. I doubt you. I question you. I challenge you.

    I forget myself. I am suggestible.

    But I am not yet lost.

  • head mushed

    by dontcare on 09 April 2010

    hey all, sorry not been written in a while, but my head has been mush and still is. life just don't seem to be gettin better.  yeh the docs uped my setraline but that ain't working anymore, they won't prescribe my last meds, they say i got to see a pyshciatrist to get them.

    I can't deal with having kids, dog and no money, all i want to do is sit and get drunk, or sit and cry the latter sounds the best idea as we have no money.  I promised myself and my family and friends that i wouldn't cut again but it is so tempting. i have to resist.  

    When i feel like this it doesn't go away for ages, that why the meds aren't working. The docs aren't interested and nobody else understands or wants to listen.  I thought friends where there for one another but i can't talk to them as they have their own problems, they don't need me offloading on them, but they can offload on me.

    i really need these feelings to leave but they won't.  I can't be doing with this.  sorry everyone

    lx

  • Catching you up (10)

    by JustEliza on 09 April 2010

    (Selections from January, 2009)

    It's natural that as therapy progresses, breakthroughs are slower.

    ---

    Before I forget again, the key:

    I was bullied. Many are bullied. But the connection between Moving, Bullied, and me is the years of not-exactly-depression. Rejection didn't wound me (a marvel that convinced me I was careless and cold-hearted). No. Rather, I wholeheartedly reject(ed) everyone.

    Again, common knowledge.

    The key is why. Recognising why. Saying why. Believing why. Why one person can be simultaneously so cold and yet so kind. The path from accepting I am different has led me here. My greatest fear: I have always been able to see, feel you. The good and the bad.

    I am not empty. I am too, too full.

    ---

    I am not at home right now. I'm walking, quite literally, in my past. And rather than shutting down at the first threat of emotion, I'm breathing slowing in.

    I am the source of my trauma. I made the choice to push everyone out. I only ever wanted to be alone. Not because of anger or fear but because I could not handle the overwhelming reality of being human -- which, in my case, meant being empathically and intuitively gifted. So, I couldn't be angry at anyone. They were only being themselves, with varying levels of ignorance and cruelty and kindness. My trouble is that I find it too remarkably easy to remember how all of that feels.

    At some point, growing up, this was a novelty to me. Books became bespoke dreams, filled with vivid emotions. So I started writing my own aching fairy tales at the age most children move out of picture books. Not all emotions were so structured though, and before I could write, I felt it all in song and dance. And then life become its own opera: it's own frightening, endless novel.

    I suffered from intense grief at moving. I did not understand what I was feeling. I was not reassured. But I easily mastered how to manipulate others, because I already understood how to know them. So with time, I grew more quiet, and there were fewer opportunities to connect and to care. Rather, I watched and I felt it all.

    When I was ridiculed by my peers, any shame was outweighed by a speculative confusion. They did not care how I felt; they were not capable of caring. And my silence, my patience, my disregard for social acceptance -- that, in turn, ridiculed them. I rejected them.

    What a different life it would have been, if someone had recognised then what I barely grasp now: my real nature. Someone with power, I mean, someone in charge. For there were people who knew me better than I knew myself, even if I was never capable of being their friend, and I never accepted their judgment of me. You see, they knew my intolerance had a limit. Beyond that, I was reliably, openly, unavoidably... kind.

    So, I'm not a monster. I'm not uncaring. I've just never learned how to manage the multitude of emotions and perceptions that rush through me with every breath. There doesn't seem to be a halfway point. When I let people in, I let them in entirely.

    I am capable of deep empathy and uncanny intuition. I feel what others feel. I see what others see. It empowers and disables me -- enabling a series of manipulative successes while simultaneously drowning out my own thoughts and desires. No wonder I am so lost.

    There are many paths from here. I can continue searching for 'true feelings of achievement' to guide my choices, focusing on my career and education. I can return home and readdress my relationship issues in therapy with this new understanding. Mostly, though, I want to find a way to moderate the empathy and sensitivities. I want to be able to step into my past without such clarity and passion.

    Then, perhaps, I can fully forgive live.

    ---

    Steps back.

    I've been taking my vitamins. Better ones, even. So if it's related to diet it must be entirely due to the fact that we have been stuffing sugar and fats down nonstop for several months now (Christmas! New Years!). I concede I need to eat healthier.

    But it's been about a year since I last felt like this. So is it coincidence? Was my grandmother's death a trigger? What is happening now that happened then, for me to lay in bed at night and feel like I am dying?

    Last time I felt like this, I determined that the best description of it was as a mixed episode: a sweet blend of agitation and depression, a growing wash of fear and loneliness, or just plain: feeling like you are mentally ill. I don't mean crazy; I mean a general flu of the psychological variety.

    But I know I am not bipolar. So I must be experiencing bonafide panic attacks. Cue my own false assumptions, as I always thought panic attacks required hyperventilation. But, apparently not. So let's just accept this diagnosis and go with it for a while, as the only real need is not to name these awful experiences but figure out how to stop them.

    This level of honesty was inconceivable a year ago.

  • Hello All,

      I've been away trying to get my head together only to end up having it further apart. You don't hear that every day; saying that I haven't heard very much for the last few days. The reason? T-Mobile cut me off completely (can't afford the bill anymore) so no-one could get in touch with me; not that I was particularly bothered but it's nice to have the option. But I digress...

      Is it just me, or are like 95% of people with depression highly intelligent? I always put my depression down as 'I got sick of the planet and what life has to offer the same way a child gets bored of snake and ladders.'

      Normally my (wide and varied) sense of humour keeps me grounded, but I had a bit of a breakdown at the doctors on Monday. After two months on Sertraline (100mg last month, 50mg prior) the doc has decided they aren't working and has prescribed 60mg of Duloxetine Gastro-Resistant, which is apparently mainly for major depressive cases. A quote from CenterWatch:

    "Cymbalta(R) is indicated for the treatment of major depressive disorder (MDD), with a prominent and relatively persistent depressed or dysphoric mood, nearly every day for at least 2 weeks, that usually interferes with daily functioning. Symptoms include at least 5 of the following 9: depressed mood*, loss of interest in usual activities, significant change in weight and/or appetite, insomnia or hypersomnia, psychomotor agitation or retardation, increased fatigue, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, slowed thinking or impaired concentration, or a suicide attempt or suicidal ideation."

      ...I know how many people that will sound familiar to. Either way they still think I'm eligible for work, they even have 'Can not use public transport, may need private room.' stamped on my files at the Jobcentre (mainly because of my anxiety attacks) and they still think I'm the candidate to go out there and expect a wage from some job where all I can provide is moping, exhaustion, a foul temper and no drive or interest - I feel sorry for the employer who takes that on...

      I'd love it if they could shed some information on how my appeal is going on but they just don't care, we're just letters and numbers in a filing system "Ahh, Mr AB-12-34-56-C... What jobs have you applied for this week? Hardly any because depression makes leaving the house difficult. Ooh, we'll have to stop your money if that happens again.**" - Pure Evil.

      Sorry about that. Sometimes things just get to me so much I just want to write all in capitals and let it all out. Anyway, new meds seem to be okay; had a bit of a dopey/dozey feeling for a while after the first tablet but today they've just made me feel a bit placid, which I kinda like (plus, playing Need for Speed when completely placid seems to bring a sense of oneness with my vehicle - I improved dramatically - but that's neither here nor there). I'm still constantly hungry and sleeping for far too long, but its early days yet and I have confidence in these pills (I may have said that about half of the others I'd taken before these but this time it's desperation).

      Well, just had to write something to get stuff out of my system. Sorry to drone on like a gibbering fool. Thanks for reading (if you did; if you didn't then this bit doesn't matter).

      Regards,

         Will (",)

    * my personal issues underlined.

    ** Or something to that effect.

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The mental health bloggers

The latest mental health bloggers are...

Katykat lives with arthritis and depression and contributes to both blogs
Candycan was diagnosed with Dissociative identity disorder (DID) last year
One little troubled teen has been self-harming for two years and was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She is seeing a counsellor regularly
mindmap wants the life he had back and is looking for some answers
AnnC1 has suffered from depression for many years and felt she was an outsider as a child
BaronessTom is a student with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and suffers from episodes of debilitating depression

Meet all the mental health bloggers.

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Nothing in this blog should be taken as medical advice and the opinions are personal and not those of the NHS. If you have any concerns about your health you should contact your GP or use our medical advice now section.

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