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Posts from November 2009

  • Hi!  It's been a while since my last blog.  I've been adjusting to life with a diagnosis, don't know if that sounds strange but in some ways it feels good to be able to label what I am, in others i feel more lost than before.  I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I'd never even heard of this until a month ago.  Having spoken to my psychiatrist I can now understand the behaviour I always tried to ignore.  I suffer from extreme mood swings, I cut myself, I have uncontrollable anger and paranoia.  I often am filled with a sense of complete hopelessness and am prone to reckless behavior, I often drink heavily around this time, so anything I do can be blamed on alcohol.  I am unable to function normally with relationships and friendships, I swing from being intensely clingy and jealous, to adoring, then to hate, not always necessarily in that order.  I have zero self esteem and often have no idea who i am or why i'm here.  I often feel suicidal and don't always no why.

    Having said all this, I can function normally for weeks on end without incident and I have held down a responsible job for years.  I have been signed off work for the past 2 months due to the severity of my last breakdown, but hope to return soon on a part-time basis.  I now take anti-depressants and anti-psycotics to control my moods, I'm still trying to get the dosage correct though.  Too many and I fall asleep, too few and my mood changes by the hour...  My GP doesn't seem to understand that I need help and guidance with this, my psychiatrist is good but I don't get to see him very often.  Where do I go for support?

    I'd love to hear from anybody else with BPD to share experiences.

  • Waiting

    by soulmamma on 20 November 2009

    So the last few days I've felt pretty good, despite it being a very stressful week. My eldest went into hospital for an operation. Not a nice experience in itself, but we've all been coping very well. Most of all the brave soldier himself, not one tear or complaint. I've been savouring my small pleasures such as knitting, listening to the wind howling outside my bedroom window in the middle of the night while i can't sleep and cooking lots of stews! I try to make the best of the winter months! But even though in my mental state I am doing really well I'm always waiting for the downward slope. And I know it could happen at anytime I could wake up feeling wonderful and full of motivation and chat but then somehow and for no reason atall by the afternoon I could begin that horrible descent into the gloom that could last days or hours who knows?

    but for the time being i am trying not be intimidated by the inevitable, and when it does come i hope i will be ready and it won't last too long and won't affect anyone in the house. namely my partner he is the one who gets the brunt of a silent, tearful, hopeless girlfriend.

    hope you all have a good weekend

  • Rod was diagnosed with bipolar in 1987. He describes how his symptoms got worse and led to his diagnosis, the treatments offered to him and how he copes today. 

  • Illogical

    by Daniel S on 12 November 2009

    Earlier this week, I went to the local GPs' surgery to get permission for my monthly pack o' pills.

    May I please make use of the repeat prescription system in the future, I asked. Paying this place a visit every 28 days is becoming a bit of a bore.

    Oh, no, replied the doctor (not my usual one). We don't do that with drugs like citalopram, because there's the fear that a patient might stockpile their tablets for taking all at once.

    Fair enough, I said.

    I'll tell you what, continued the doc, I'll prescribe two months' worth for you, so that you don't have to come back in for a while.

    I now have at my disposal 56 antidepressants at 40mg each. 

    And this is safer how?

    Well, I'm being a bit unfair; the GP remarked on how upbeat I appeared, so I suppose she thought I was okay to have a double 'scrip. Her logic's still baffling, though.

  • The worst part

    by soulmamma on 10 November 2009

    This is the part of being me I don't enjoy. The need to blog twice in one was a general question though. Today was a goodish day. i worked in the garden before the rain came, roasted a chicken for tea and hell even managed to finish the hat I'd knitted for my big sister for xmas.Go team me motivation. Then I done the school run and saw her. The woman who i don't know who is stunning, who has two children who never tantrum and walk nicely. I watched her get her designer buggy out of her fancy car with ease. she always looks happy and radiant and i think you'd never be jealous of me. she makes me feel worthless and why? i don't know. but somehow she just does. she doesn't even know me, i don't even really know her. i just know she drives a red car and whenever i see her at school type things thtas it, the bad moods start. i think why aren't i pretty, why can't i drive?why does she get the happy fascade?why don't her high heels ever sink into the grass as she nimbly hops across it.why doesn't she ever look harrassed or wind swept? i hate this part of me. this ability to let someone else to bring me down when in truth I'm just bringing myself down. this person has done nothing to me but makes me feel so insecure. it's like she represents all my failures as a woman.i will probably spend hours thinking what she will give her children for tea, hoping she gets it out of a freezer bag, so i can pick holes in her. because she makes me pick holes in myself. im horrible i know. i don't wish her ill or harm, not atall. i guess i just want to have her happy facade?

    When i see her it's like i get crossed off the list, the good list in my head the better list. im trying to be a better person and i can't accept that i am this straggly failing mess. 

  • another week...

    by Booa26 on 10 November 2009

    I've not felt too bad the last day or two, but I have had this horrible feeling since last week, of a tight 'lump' in my throat. It feels like I've swallowed a pill and its got stuck. Is this a symptom of anxiety? Does anyone else get it? Its not there when I wake up in the morning but comes on later in the day. its really horrible.

    I've got to have yet another telephone assessment to discuss suitable treatment. Dont know when I am going to do it because I work full time and getting any time for a private conversation is impossible in a busy office. I want to try pychotherapy but I am concerned as I tried it before briefly and it made me feel worse as it dragged up all the painful memories that I try to keep hidden, and then I had to wait another 6 months to see someone else. I dont qualify for any help with my eating problems at the moment as I'm not at a low enough weight. Silly isnt it, I know I need help now, but until I get worse and get thinner, they wont help me. So they want me to get worse so its harder to treat?

    Still debating whether to get signed off work or not. My job doesnt help the situation as its stressful but on the other hand it gives me a sense of purpose. Not sure if I'm just sitting around at home I'll start to feel worse?

  • Is anyone on Citalopram?

    by soulmamma on 10 November 2009

    And does it give them really awful night sweats and horrific nightmares? and maybe increase their anxiety ever so slightly but enough to make you panic more yourself about it?

    Filed under:
  • Finally a diagnosis...

    by DarkClouds on 06 November 2009

    Hi everyone, sorry I haven't been blogging much recently.  It's just been too much of an effort to even switch on the computer.  Luckily the antidepressants (venlafaxine) finally seem to be kicking in and am having a slightly better time.  I had an appointment with my metal health unit this morning and after 6 weeks of monitoring my condition they have diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder.  Having read the literature I can now understand my behaviour, mood swings and self harm.  I hadn't ever heard of BPD until this morning, does anyone else suffer from this?  And if so, how are you coping with it?  I've been perscribed some anti-psychotics to help with the moods and hopefully help me to get some sleep.Its also been recommended that I attend a Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Group, athough no idea how long it will take to get on this course. Has anyone else done this?

  • It's good to talk

    by soulmamma on 05 November 2009

    Today I had a psyc assessment and I'm still severe, which is ok. i knew that. And saying my fears out loud helped. Even though I sounded incredibly stupid as i uttered "I'm afraid off doing the hoovering as i can't hear anyone come in the house" I thought ugh! that sounds silly. but the lady on the phone said "that's fine. That's not uncommon, and how about sleeping?" Well I try and i fail, because of my irrational fear of demonic possession. but again with this lady that was cool.  again not uncommon. And it felt so good to know that the next time i talk to someone on my file I won't have to try and say any of that stuff cos they already know. They can say "right what's this hoovering bussiness about?" and I can go "Well....( insert explanation here)" and hopefully soon I'll be ok. I might still be spooked, but I won't be sweating! I won't feel sick!

    And that is one of my happy goals for today I feel slightly better about hoovering

  • ...and neither one particularly appeals to me"

    This song is how I feel today. "And if the day came when I felt a natural emotion, I'd get such a shock I'd probably jump in the ocean". Today, that happened.
    Lately, I have been making the insanely bold decision to give up smoking - like that was a good idea. I've kicked the drugs habit I had so insidiously adopted, and the alcohol "problem", so, with no preparation and no forewarning, I decided to drop the cigarettes, too.
    I really wish someone would have told me the grieving process that was going to occur. I am crying all of the time, I am having panic attacks, and my mood swings are off the chart. I can look in the mirror, and see that my eyebrows need re-shaping (since when did I ever care about my eyebrows?) and that will send me off into a depression, for hours. And I know this sounds pathetic to you, and it sounds pathetic because it is, but I can feel it all happening again. I distinctly remember that lastnight, I was having a laugh and a giggle with my boyfriend, and we were enjoying each-other's company, and everything was ok. A few hours later, I was in a flurry of tears, on the brink of panic, and flooded with intrusive thoughts that said "You might as well just end it all now". The only reason I know they are intrusive is because I know I definitely don't want to "end it all". They are exhausting though, and unrelenting.
    Today, I woke up, and felt reasonably ok. The first thing I do in the morning, and this is a habit I picked up this Summer when I experienced a horrible bout of dissociation, is to look at myself in the mirror. I can tell if it's going to be a good day or not judging by how I react to my reflection. If I look at myself and wonder who I am, then I know the day will be hard. If I look and realise I am looking at myself with contempt, then I know it's going to be impossible. Sometimes, though, like today, I look and it's ok. So I assumed today would be ok.
    I got into college later than anticipated, and missed my lecture on the emergence of the class system in Victorian England, because I got no sleep lastnight. Even I know that if I only get 4 hours sleep the night before, it's far more clever to stay home and catch a few more hours than to overstrech myself and put myself in a tizzy. So I got in, and I stood in the foyer, completely frozen. People were rushing about me, and I couldn't identify with a single one. I felt like a misfit, and I suppose I am. I can't connect to anyone; I don't know what I am in relation to them. And I couldn't handle it, and I fell apart completely.
    This was 2 hours ago now, and I'm in my university library writing this. I have since eaten a sandwich and had a cup of tea, and I feel relatively ok. What just happened? What was that?
    Being a Borderline, I'm more au fait with this feeling when I have complete control over it. I can make myself feel like this, and usually I do, because I can feel something is wrong and I can't identify what it is so I just cry and cry and then in those tears, I can find what the problem is. This time, it came out of the blue, which is perhaps more terrifying.
    My therapist will call me this afternoon. And if this carries on, it looks like I will capitulate to the mirtazipine the doctor gave me last week. Great.

  • Loneliness

    by Daniel S on 05 November 2009

    Inspired by my fellow bloggers’ predilection for quoting song lyrics, I have decided to do so myself.

    Here, then, is my contribution: “They call us lonely when we’re really just alone”.

    This line from Oblivious by Aztec Camera (ask yer mum and dad) neatly sums up how being by oneself is different and separate from a feeling of solitude.

    I've rarely been alone; through most of my life I've enjoyed the companionship of friends, relatives and acquaintances. And I’ve never minded my own company as long as it's not been for extended periods of time.

    I have, however, felt lonely more often than not. From being very young I’ve frequently been overwhelmed by a (sometimes sudden) sensation of remoteness, even when surrounded by familiar faces.

    As a child I think this was in part due to any inability to communicate my feelings, and/or a fear of doing so. As my self-esteem was unrelentingly withered by the salt of oppression from my father and school bullies, and later a particularly savage boss, so my depression thrived. This, I’m certain, is the reason for my powerful adult feelings of isolation.

    I've long since not allowed myself to be pushed around by cruel or unreasonable types, but it’s only been over the past few weeks, since my GP doubled my daily dosage of citalopram, that I’ve not felt the gloomy caress of alienation even when with my loving wife and/or best mates. And I’ve felt better for it, let me tell you. In fact, I'm almost on song.

  • OK so I may not be bouncing today but I thought I'd pop over from the Arthritis blogs to say hello! 

    I'm bouncingtigger, also known as Helly and was diagnosed with a form of arthritis when I was 2 years old.  This went into remission when I was 13 thanks to a combination of methotrexate and deflazacort.  I'm now 34, and found out 8 weeks ago that the arthritis has come out of remission.

    One of the key things that comes with having a chronic condition is depression. As a child with arthritis it wasn't something I ever worried about, let alone thought about. There were times when I would feel down because I couldn't be like other kids.  I couldn't wear the pretty shoes like my friends did because I had to have my shoes specially made and wore callipers. I used to wear trousers instead of dresses because of my swollen knees and synovectomy scars.

    Depression wasn't something I was familiar with.  It wasn't something that was discussed with me, after all I had adults around me to do the worrying and decision making. It was only when I was 22 that I discovered what depression was.

    Many things contributed to my first experience of depression.... my first ever major hip replacement but not before I had got married, spent my honeymoon like a zombie on Tramadol & Fluoxetine, spent 4 months in and out of hospital for intense physio and my weight dropping to about 6 stone.  I think the time I hit a low point was shortly after having to sleep downstairs on the sofa because I had no ball & socket left, and one particular day I couldn't make it to the commode on time.  

    Watching my new husband have to clean where I had wet myself, something broke inside of me.  I went back into hospital for more physio and this was where I had my first panic attack, except I didn't know this.  It came out of the blue, I just couldn't get my breathe and when the pains started in my chest & I started feel giddy, I thought I was going to die.  The nurses helped me to regulate my breathing and I've never known anything to be so draining...

    Shortly afterwards my rheumatologist arranged for me to see a psychiatric doctor. Even though I had been prescribed Fluoxetine by my GP because I had felt down, I didn't really understand why I was feeling the way I did, I didn't understand my feelings... Slowly I learnt about my diagnosis... depression.  

    The physiotherapist taught me breathing and relaxation techniques.. I definitely enjoyed the relaxation part!  This was when music became my distraction and I found a lot of comfort in certain songs.

    Over the next few months I also found writing helped and when it came to having my first major hip replacement, I kept a journal which has gone on to help others.

    Luckily that bout of depression didn't last long, and I slowly came off the Fluoxetine.

    Unfortunately it also wasn't the only time I experienced depression and it certainly wasn't the lowest I ever got.  In my next couple of blogs I will share with you my journey through depression and how I am coping now, especially since my arthritis has come out of remission.



  • New Blogger/Lister

    by soulmamma on 04 November 2009

    So I'm the new blogger on the block. I'm 29 with two children and battling my mental health problem in my own way. I am on medication, and I've been like this for as long as I can remember. It was only recently though that I actually admitted to myself that I had a problem.

    I have a fantastic partner who I'm marrying in 18 months time, but even he finds my unstable moods challenging. I'm lucky that I have two unique funny chirpy cherubs that MAKE me get out of bed in the mornings because if I don't do the school run then no one else will! Although I think my eldest would like to lounge around in his jim-jams all day drawing and watching cartoons!

    I try to set myself three happy goals each day, sometimes they get achieved sometimes they don't.I write huuuge long lists that I need to do but rarely cross anything off. I list more than necessary! Sometimes the lists go like this Washing on/sort/away. Ironing. get meat out freezer. visit Japan. check bank balance. Knit more. Go back to Venice. Take the kids to Moomin land. See why some things get done and some things don't! it's usually the Ironing that doesn't get done-it's the devils work.

    I have some awesome friends who know how to take me in whatever state they find me, and I have a very convincing happy face, but they see straight through it. And they understand that you don't always need a reason to feel just do. I have exceptionally low self esteem, there are women who do the school run looking lovely that make me feel very insecure and inferior. And if I'm having a bad day that can make it ten times worse to run into one of them.

    I'm trying to learn to drive but I'm struggling with it. sometimes in general I get so anxious my ribs hurt or i get a headache. I want to sleep more than I actually do, but I have an irrational fear of demonic possession..crazy I know! I love to read, and I love the Moomins, my partner is scared of them. My dad died of cancer when I was 19, I helped to nurse him, that was a really tough time, I think about it and it's all very much a blur.

    I guess to anyone reading this it doesn't make a whole load of sense. A lot words and ramblings, but bear with me ok! As time goes on I'll tell you more about my problem, the problem is I am the problem and how do you explain that!? I know my brain doesn't make enough chemicals to keep me happy so I take tablets and try to stay positive everyday, but will it get better or will the panic stop? Will I feel like this forever?

    Today is a good day so to me my problem doesn't make sense, but catch me on a bad one and I'll be able to tell you all about it! I hope today is a good day for you all x

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