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Posts from April 2011

  • Intolerable!

    by milkybar on 28 April 2011

    I want to write something... To tell you everything I feel but the head won't allow it...!

    I cannot concentrate once again! The noises in my head loud... How can I sleep when the animals are screaming in my head! How can I sit still when all I wanna do is run!! How can I speak when all I wanna do is scream!!

    I wish they would lock me away for a short while!! Drug me up so I don't have to be me for a short while!!


    I went for a walk yesterday, four hours alone! I sat by the river and ate a sandwich alone! I walked miles alone! I then got chased by something in a bush!

    I failed myself yesterday & last night & this morning!!.... It didn't give me the feeling I had last time... I just felt ashamed of myself, so I did it again...

    I wanna Screaam!!! I am screaming inside! .................

  • So, I'm thinking something is going on in Candycanland as of late. OK I shouldn't really be surprised; it's probably just the after effects of a really tough session with T last Thursday, but I guess because I haven't been feeling miserable or preoccupied with it since, I thought I was OK. But taking a step back from myself I observe that I am not doing too well really.

    I've been off work for Easter and really didn't do anything with my time. I didn't want to do anything, I didn't want to speak to anyone, I haven't even had the energy to wash (Peuww). I just sat for four days in my own little DID world, figuring myself out. OK so I do need to figure myself out (T seems to think I have been doing too much 'just trying to get on with it' in life) but I'm thinking it's probably not healthy to be doing it instead of EVERYTHING else.

    Hubbie dragged me out on Monday for a picnic at the beach. It did feel good to go out but I just had no energy at all. He was chatting and singing in the car but I felt so much that I was using all my energy up on just being in the car going somewhere, that eventually I just had to tell him I didn't have the energy to talk or listen to him. Poor boy.

    We sat on the beach for our picnic, me wrapped up in a coat and scarf and blanket, with an umbrella to block the wind and my teddie, Winnie on my lap. I felt maybe slightly concerned that someone I know might see me with a teddy but mainly, I just don't really care anymore. The little kids (alters) couldn't bear the thought of leaving Winnie at home while we went on a picnic, so he came. I think he had a good time too. LOL.

    Anyway, it's a difficult yet easy way to be... this not wanting to do anything. I am apathetic. I don't want to see anyone, so I don't feel lonely (loneliness is one of the worst feelings). I know it's not healthy though and when I get like this and start isolating myself from the world, I chip further away at the weak bonds of companionship that I have with others, edging myself further away from friendships and then when I eventually come round again and start to crave company, there is no one left who cares.

    My friend Pou (I only have the one friend... how sad) has got a new boyfriend. Since we've been friends she's had more boyfriends than I've had hot dinners (well, not quite: I do like my dinners) but the latest one has been around for a couple of months now which is a record for her in recent years. I guess it's understandable that she would be quite absorbed by it, but I can't help feeling that even more now than ever I am last on her list of people to see. I've always felt a bit like our coffee dates get squeezed in to her tight schedule, but now there's just no room left for me.

    We were supposed to spend the day together yesterday; I've seen her only briefly once since I got back from my big trip. Anyway she texted me on Monday evening to say her boyfriend had invited her to spend the day with him so she wouldn't be able to see me after all. She said: "I'm so sorry, I'm such a bad friend."
    I managed to muster up some emotion which formed itself into a little flame of hurt and anger and wrote back: "Yeah, you are".

    Mostly I felt like it was one less thing I have to do and this part of me was relieved. Having friends is hard work. I hear that person telling me to just dump her cos we don't need people like that in our life and we are better off alone and that's what I want to do, but I know sooner or later I will come out of this phase and feel despair at the loss of my only friend. But is it reasonable for her to treat me this way? I don't know. Maybe I should be more understanding and just try to arrange another day to meet?

    I think this self induced isolation contributes towards the intense feelings of attachment I have towards my T. I'm not entirely sure why though. Maybe I'll reflect on that another day.

  • SNAP!

    by milkybar on 27 April 2011

    Well, it was only a matter of time... I wish I hadn't broken down infront of everyone at work, and definately not infront of a patient!

    So I was sent home yesterday lunch, I can't tell you exactly what happened leading up to the moment I realised I couldn't handle everything. My memory chooses not to show me this. Perhaps it's saving me from something. I worked for 3 and a half hour and I have no recollection of the event.The most I remember is coming downstairs to the shop floor... Walking through back to my area of work... Stepping outside to were my manager was... and then that was it... I broke, I collapsed, I cried and I couldn't stop... I shook I smoked I lost all control...

    I think I may be off a while, I want to be right before I go back again. It makes me feel somewhat worse though, the thought that they will struggle if they get busy and I am not there to help. But would I really be any help. I can't concentrate, I make mistakes, I risk killing someone if my error isn't seen by another and the patient takes it... What if I have already done this... I'm shaking again. How can my doctor say I am no risk to anyone.

    I went to see my doctor yesterday, a different one though as the one I saw last week is fully booked up until next week... I couldn't wait, I wish I had. I was sat in the waiting room for an hour before it was my turn to be seen. It was full of other patients, this didn't bother me but I wonder if I bothered them. I had my folks with me. I couldn't have done it alone. I shouldn't have from the start. I went into the patient toilet several times.. I never actually went to the toilet but to hide. I fought urges... Smashing my head into the mirror, the wall... I stared at myself for ages, It didn't look like me. I screamed at myself. The waiting was horrible. I ccouldn't stay still... Then my name was called, the doctor is one of a kind.. Only he could probably have got away with LAUGHING at me! Laughing?!

    I rememeber overdosing last year (during the world cup), It was this doctor I had seen, his reply to me was "well just because England are out doesn't mean you have to try and kill yourself"

    I don't remember much of what he said, my mother did most of the talking as I couldn't think or speak... He's put me on 1mg of Haloperidol at night, I'm off to work today to get my prescription...

    I did sleep last night though, after fighting more self harming thoughts... I even took my razor head off and tried to snap it all up... I really don't know why I stopped or how... I am glad I did but somewhat wouldn't have been too bothered if I hadnt... I have a new peace tactic... I count my scars... Makes me wonder at the same time though if I will ever meet a guy and have him love me, I am no longer pretty, just a broken shell unprotecting my shattered soul!

    I self decided to double my Temazepam dose to 20mg last night! The 10mg obviously hadn't worked the night before as I had ZERO sleep! It could have worked due to the fact my body was exhausted, even if I wasn't. I only woke twice, breifly. Once at three for half hour and again at five! I feel somewhat better in myself having slept, but I can't help but wonder for how long.

    I have to go back to the surgery next week as I only have enough tablets for a week to see how they work, I hope I get my first doctor, he's nice :) and helpful and doesn't laugh at me!

    I may go for a long walk today, fresh air and exercise! The weather is sunny again! :)

  • Hedgehogs

    by milkybar on 26 April 2011

    "A defense that all species of hedgehogs possess is the ability to roll into a tight ball, causing all of the spines to point outwards. However, its effectiveness depends on the number of spines, and since some of the desert hedgehogs evolved to carry less weight, they are much more likely to try to run away and sometimes even attack the intruder, trying to ram into the intruder with its spines, and rolling as a last resort."

    I want to be a hedgehog right now... I have been thinking about when I die... Or perhaps a previous life... Reincarnation...

    Then I have to stop and think...

    It's not what is outside trying to hurt me... It is whats inside... THE MIND! That which we use to control ourselves, and yes it does control us. It controls us the way we wish it wouldn't...

    In my case anyway!

    I still want to be a hedgehog!

  • A Poem: The Struggle

    by Candycan on 26 April 2011


    The Struggle


    Looking out from up above

    Those hands, those feet, the voice

    They move and sound so far away

    Controlling: not my choice


    I hear the cry of one in fear,

    She folds herself in pain

    I struggle to come down to aide

    But struggle now in vain


    I'm here but I can't be the one

    To hush, to soothe, to see

    You call my name, I hear your voice

    Though you cannot hear me


    What could be done to help me now?

    Your question clearly heard

    “Please help us, tell her all is safe!”

    But I can't speak a word


    I need to be the one who's strong

    To help her find relief

    I'm wading back through treacle sea

    To save her from her grief


    I'm there and now I look at you

    You smile, your eyes are kind

    Relief to see me back, but still

    I'm struggling with my mind


    I'm trying hard to be the one

    To feel, to see, to stay

    I fight against the pull of tide

    The need to drift away


    The sands too long have lain asleep

    Time gone; I haven't seen

    My guilt and shame now burn in me

    The burden I have been.

  • So today I arrived back from my long weekend away in Wales! I did enjoy the get away...I wished I had never had to come back!...

    The tiny... exceptionally tiny cottage, with its quaint little kitchen, and the sqaure checked table clothes, the wooden shelving units decorated with pretty plates, the little log fire... that burns so brightly and you just want to curl up beside it. The little bedroom up in the roof!... with soft pillows that absorb every strain from your head... the thick covers that while the cottage is cold on a night, hug you with so much warmth! The bright blue sky and the view of the sea from just outside your window! The fields surrounding you, not a neighbour in sight.. Not for a few minutes walk through the unmarked county lanes!....4 maybe 5 miles from the local harbour/town into the hills and fields we stayed...

    I enjoyed just sitting up on high rocks above the deserted loacl pebble beach... watching the waves for what seemed like hours but was barely minutes... Just laying down on the grass, the sun beaming down on me while I tried and watched the few clouds pass... The dark nightly stroll through the unmarked lanes towards the lighthouse... Pitch Black but so quiet! My main enjoyment came from the company I kept... My best friend, whom I would do anything for...We've been there for each other this weekend! Even when our conversations turned somewhat low and deep we could pick each other up some little bit :)

    I slept so well this weekend, a few nights anyway...  It may have been due to the fresh sea air and no pollution as few cars passed... perhaps from the walking we did and the 6 or 7 hour journey to get there! Maybe just the relaxation, to switch off felt natural...


    Now here I am, a bad end I feel to what has been such a nice change to my usual blogs... I'm sat here wide awake... mind racing and temazepam not working.. I took it 4or 5 hours ago... I have laid in bed I have shut all light out.. I have closed my eyes, opened and closed but no.. I just have this not good feling anymore... what am I scared of so much here at home... ?

  • My mum makes me so angry and I can't exactly explain why! Every time I have a conversation with her I feel like we are on two different planets. She has a completely illogical way of thinking about everything and thinks she is the ultimate wisdom on any matter. She cant just have a conversation, she has to feel like she is enlightening me somehow. The thing is: half of what she says, everyone knows already and the other half is a load of rubbish.

    I think the fact that she works in mental health makes it all so much worse because she feels she knows so much but she's actually pretty fucking clueless. It makes me so angry to hear her going on about her patients with disdain and such a lack of understanding about how it is to have mental health problems. At times like this I remind myself why I have never shared with my family that I have DID.

    I so often think: "what happened to the mum I used to have, who I was so close to?". But maybe she was always this way. Maybe I just didnt see it then. There were always a few memories that I couldn't really fit in with my picture of a wonderful mum so I have just always held them in a separate section and the closest I have gotten to explaining them is: "She didn't know how doing those things would have made me feel bad". Like the way she used to force me down and sit on my arms and legs and tickle me until I was crying and screaming and even then not stop. Maybe it wasn't just fun and me being too sensitive. Perhaps, after all, that isn't a very nice thing to do to someone?

    Recently I have been questioning my theories about my Mum and coming to doubt as to whether the rosy picture I had of her is realistic. Certainly there are plenty of examples of times she acted in a damaging way towards me.

    I see flashes of the insanity of my grandmother who abused my mother and was in and out of mental institutes more times than I had holidays as a child... that's not a good analagy actually as we only went on a couple of family camping trips.

    I thought these were new flashes, that only started after my parents broke up in my early twenties. I had feared she was going crazy. But I am beginning to doubt this theory too. I think she has always had that side to her. She has always had that scary streak-like-her-mother in her.

    Perhaps my memory is the one to blame here. Or moreso my refusal to acknowledge those times where she hurt me to feel power as just that. Times where she hurt her own child to make herself feel powerful.

    Maybe thats why I feel so full of rage when I try to have a normal mother and daughter catch up chat.

  • i feel i boasted i felt better i was well i suppose i got what i deserved i feel like ive crashed and broken i was listening to the radio earlier this morning there was a sond sung by a woman i dont know who but it was called just seemed like me and know i cant get the words out of my head i cried why am i a failure in everything i do.i got weighed this morning and ive put more weight on im 12 stones overweight now i dont want to live like this im so tired of it all you all have problems but you didnt end up like me i hate having to go out and hear all the nasty comments it hurts no one likes me all the anti deppressents anti sycotics and now the diazapan added in they were working and i was feeling so much better so i guess  i have to sort this one out myself.i just wish i never see anyone i hate myself for what i am i hate having BPD and i just want to crawl in a corner on my own i feel their is no hope left for me anymoe. im so lonely its eating me up inside and i cant see a way out i desperatly need to get some weight off i know it would make me feel better i just want it all to go away

  • Imprinting

    by Candycan on 24 April 2011

    The little chick breaks her way out of the cocoon,
    The fortress that has hidden her,
    While she readied herself for the revelation.
    The time has come to face life fully
    And the shell can no longer protect her.

    She opens her eyes and observes her world.
    She sees the form of the keeper,
    The hand, the face.
    In a moment the bond is made,
    This she will follow.

    But she is just a chick,
    The keeper does not love her
    And laughs at the silly bird
    For clinging to her.

    The chick does not know the human
    But trusts her life to her
    For it is her instinct.
    A risk she can't weigh up,
    For survival is impossible alone.

    Vulnerable attached,
    vulnerable unattached

  • Dissociation Central

    by Candycan on 22 April 2011

    I don’t feel as though I have much to say about the clinical psychology session I was at yesterday except that it was tough. I was dissociating lots or as I would call it: ‘zoning out’ and I feel now like a shell of myself. I think other parts were coming out. I remember my T telling me to stop hitting myself on the head and although at the time, I didn’t feel anything; my head is covered in bruises today. I’ve also got nail marks all over my hands.

    I have just gotten through my work day by keeping reminding myself to just do what I can in each space of five minutes or so. It’s been slow. I achieved probably half the amount of work I would have done on another more average day. Stopping for lunch I sat outside on my own to allow my mushy brain time to rest and that was nearly enough to send me off to space again. Better to stay focused and present until I am safe at home on my own under a blanket and then I will start to let it all catch up with me. Not long to go.

    Last night I didn’t get to sleep until about 3 am. I had strange dreams that I was eating soap.

    I am so happy to be getting off work today for Easter. I need the time to crash out but I am also scared that I won’t be able to get myself going again. I feel like I’m always trying to keep a balance between normal functioning in life and sorting through the mess in my head. There’s a very fine line to walk because it’s hard to do both well at the same time.

  • BPD

    by hendy on 21 April 2011

    well its been a while but i feel like am startin to get back on track its taking its time but hopefully am getting life has been so hard the past few weeks n i felt like i couldnt go on so i ended up in hospital for 6 weeks the longest stay i have ever had and when it was time to leave i didnt want to i was so scared i hate the feeling and emotions i get i dont really know how to explain it i feel like am a different person i go off the rails self destructed mode i put my family and friends through so much but i dont see it at the time and now i look back i cant be sorry enough but i get told its not me it the BPD but i feel thats just a cop out people tell me not to be so hard on myself but its how i cope my self harm is back to the max and i have started new ways of hurting myself which i hate but just cant stop at the min my brain is working so hard 24/7 its so exchusting am back in touch with my cpn seeing her a couple of times aweek which is helping i have also started on new antidepressants called escitralopram am hopeing they will be upped soon has am only on 20mg but they are new ones so am giving them ago..has anyone else been on them i have never come across these ones before so if anyone has anything to say about them then please do,i will try not to leave it so long again hope everyone else is managing ok

    all my love emma

  • A weekend away

    by milkybar on 21 April 2011


    So, I am up and dressed and ready for work!... I have two hours to pass before I need to be there... I have been up since half 5!

    I am going away this afternoon with my best friend and her folks. We're going to Wales until Monday! It should do me good to get away from here and enjoy the beach and the little cottage in the middle of nowhere :) I think I am looking forward to it... I just hope my recent behaviour doesn't worsen. I can kind of just manage things at the minute...

    So, I finally had an appointment with my GP yesterday! I think it went well... I should have had someone with me because it's hard to remember exactly what we discussed! I really don't feel myself. I am glad I have noticed, that is a start!

    I like the doctor I have seen, he's always thourough in his work and has previously helped me on other matters. So yesterday, I was completely... I do not know... I was go go go... As I have been all week! I'm sure I must have done his head in... I don't rememeber what I was talking about... One thing I remember him mentioning to me was that I was having a "manic like episode"... and the words... "Has anyone spoken with you about Bi Polar?"... He said though that as this was my first time feeling like this that he just wants to monitor me... And due to other factors in my life right now could be the problem, I have to work this out! ....I mentioned my self harming thoughts which he said he isn't worried about too much but gave me directions to contact the surgery or out of hours if I feel this way or if my current state worsens! He said he didn't feel I was a threat to myself or to anyone else... Relief there :) Nothing further than my GP at this stage, but if I worsen then the mental health team will be contacted to help!

    In the meantime though he gave me some Temazepam to help me sleep! I only took half last night (5mg) as I know the effects they have...  It did help, I managed 5 solid hours!And I have to continue with my citalopram!

    ... One Day At A Time ...



  • Bad boys

    by Candycan on 19 April 2011

    I saw some boys, aged about eleven or twelve years old, on a bridge; a high bridge with trees and shrubs far beneath. They were dangling a boy over the edge by his school bag which he was holding onto for his life. The boys above were laughing and jeering at the poor child who was pleading with them to save his life. He was screaming: “Please don't let go! Please! Please help me! Help me!”
    I watched in horror as they laughed and let go and the boy fell to his death. I ran over to the boys, not knowing if I should grab one and hold onto him and call the police or if I should be trying to get down to the boy they had thrown over the bridge. I knew he was probably dead but still felt I should run to see yet I didn't want these evil children to get away.
    A dream

  • "Eyes closed... Breath in... And breath out... And in..." This never works for me! I should keep trying but I give up. I give up too much!

    So the other day, well I was scared... But I can still say ONE YEAR soon! It's a struggle though. I sent my self to bed... Even though I have not slept since Sunday! Maybe the odd hour here and there. It is annoying to keep looking at your alarm clock, You dose off... and what feels like hours is only 14 minutes! Then you go into a deep sleep... Although its not because that was only an hour! My boss says maybe I am going to bed too early, I will try and stay up late tonight... and hope I fall asleep at twelve and the next digits I see are 6:30am! ... Not 1:00... 1:15... 2:00... 2:47.... 3:06.... (random but you get the point) I hope... I am useless ... I babble on and on sometimes!

    I dont quite understand what is happening though, I have worked two full days had next to no sleep and have this rush feeling in me.. Although my eyes are red and my hair's a mess I just cannot stop or switch off!

    So, after this weekend of realising something wasn't right! (It does make a change to actually feel it!) I spoke to my boss at work, as I have previously said the ones I should turn to I can't right now... I shouldn't turn to anyone, I shouldn't turn to the guys at work really either... As close as we are (always good considering the time at work is usually greater than time spent with anyone else... full time anyways!) everyone has their own personal issues, be it families, bills, pets, health, etc! They do not need mine to worry over also!

    I did try to get to see my GP today... To make an appointment explain what I am feeling etc... And also what help I want and need... BUT... As no suprise 5minutes after opening I got through "Can I make an appointment?" .... "I am sorry we are fully booked, a triage nurse is available, I can put you in with her?" .... But we all know that that won't happen as she cannot help with anything to do with me on this issue! I had the option of sit and wait... But full time working does not allow for sitting in a surgery three hours waiting to be seen! .... So I have still NO appointment with my GP ... No tablets to help me sleep, No help with anything I am feeling..... Nothing!

    So I was going to call out of hours surgery tonight, but I have no transport.. I cannot get my dad to take me, he doesn't understand these things... He doesn't understand my mother, my sister, my grandad... He gets worked up and annoyed and shouts and screams and as horrible as it is and I hate for saying this about him as he's my dad... He makes me feel guilty... When I am ill my mother gets ill (for those who are new or have not read my previous posts, my mother has bi polar disorder... stresses in daily life and activity trigger it to affect her) For this reason I don't talk about me and how I am feeling... "OKAY" "FINE" "GOOD" Are all that I will say when they ask how I am!! I know he doesn't mean it... It maybe how he deals with it... How hard it must be for someone to have his wife and his two daughters suffer with "mental illness" (my sister has OCD)

    So... I have babbled on again... I am sorry! When I start to type I just carry on! I am talking in my head... and whatever I think about just gets typed! Or written... if I am not on here!

    I only came on to say what had happened in these last few days after having these thoughts... Maybe I should shut up! I can't stop, I have gone from being so down to being up, racing, no stopping... I didn't stop at work... we take turns to have a lunch hour... I just carried on... "you go next am fine for a bit"... It was half three when my boss said are you having a break, I just thought doing this may tire me out to sleep a little better tonight... But I am still racing!

    I was gonna go for a run tonight, a bit of exercise, now the daylight lasts a little longer!... I can't... I won't stop! I will run and run and run and I don't know if I can come back... Or I will get so far and collapse and cry... Or sit and think... Or or or or I don't know....

    So I am sat here... twitching, shaking.... I have been shaking all day, I was dispensing today and couldn't put the labels on straight, or initial my work as I could not hold a pen, I could not type the directions as my fingers just tapped and was hitting all keys and it took too long... I got frustrated... I went out for a fag, for several infact to calm down... I even cried, all over not seeing the doctor! I circled a few times... I stood and spun round and around to figure out what I was doing! What must my collegues think of me... My concentration is still here though... I know it is... It has to be... I wouldn't be doing this otherwise...

    Last night I argued with myself... Do you ever just want part of you to disappear! screaming at yourself in the mirror to (not as politely put last night) but .. go away and leave me alone... only to get the reply "why don't you!!" ............ "I tried too... But you are still here... following me everywere!!"  .... 

    I hope I switch off soon!! How long can you go without sleep before you collapse! Please say soon... Please say tonight...

    I wanted to be okay, I wanted to come back here and say I am fantastic, I wanted to help you all... I feel selfish that I can't I am not about me... I don't like me very much! I hate me at times... oh dear... me me me me me ....I am sorry... I truely am!!

  • i havnt blogged for a while i was in a bad way only one way out i had decided this life was too hard to cope with i didnt wantto talk or see anyone i needed to be alone. i know both my cpn and my scyhciatrist had got the point so know im on the medication they knew would make me feel bettewr just for a while so here i am back on diazapan for 3 whole months i know im going to be addicted to it ive been told but i dont care im happy well contented with myself i can smile im still having problems but im more able to cope with them so just for now i must hold on to whatever happiness i can find. sometimes my heads like a train i think of so many things i want to do in the house i need to be carefull i do not spend money we do not have this has been a problem i kinow i have had in the past

    ive been for my assessment appointment with my therapist this was before i got the tablets this was probebly for the best im hoping to get on the one year skills course i know this would help me i have to wait about a month now to hear anything so ive got my fingers crossed

    i know youre having bad times i feel guilty for feeling good when youre not but just for a while  because i know it cant last forever i really need this its been such a long time take care everyone i am still thinking of you

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