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Posts from March 2011

  • The working day

    by Candycan on 31 March 2011

    Some days I do my work so efficiently and everything seems straightforward; just a logical series of simple steps that should be completed in order to do my job well. The hours fly by and I may even find myself wanting the day to slow down because I'm so keen to achieve more before I go home. Usually on days like this I tend to stay at work an hour or two late because I know I need to make the most of days like this.

    Then there are the other days where it's a huge effort to drag myself out of bed and pull myself together enough to get into the office late and I can't focus on anything so that I end up sitting at my desk trying to look busy but praying for a miracle that will make the time speed up so I can go home and lie down. I achieve very little on these days, except for gaining a nagging guilty feeling that proceeds to follow me around and remind me that I'm a bad person who doesn't deserve to have a good job because she doesn't put the work in.

    Today was like the latter. I didn't make it into work until ten; I can't even think what I managed to do while I was there except for fill in a few tables with some data that I'd collected after faffing about on my emails for an hour. I then ended up coming home at 2.30 with a pile of work because I just couldn't bear to sit at my desk for one more minute. It's after eight now and I haven't started the work. I've just been flaked out on the sofa all afternoon and evening. So by my calculations I have three and a half hours left of the working day to make up.

    Why does it have to be so complicated? Why can't I be the former way all of the time? It seems that I'm just lazy. I can't think of a better excuse for it. But why am I not lazy on the other days? What is it like for other people? Is everyone like this? Are most people like the hard working part? Or are most people somewhere in between? If so does that mean that on average I work at the same level as a normal person?

  • I got booted out of uni for not being able to do the work properly after having my confidence completely destroyed by a couple of bullies in authority (like I didn't already have issues with authority, growing up with a cult leader for a father). I was dissociating like mad, zoning out and losing time when I should have been seeing patients on my clinical placements. Anyway, the course director sent me off to a counsellor and told me not to come back until I was better and had a letter to prove it.

    It was good to talk to someone who was understanding of the difficulties I'd had but I felt I needed more than a kind listening ear. I needed answers. I needed to know what was wrong with me and why I was having the strange problems I was having: memory problems, concentration problems, strange episodes of being 'upset'...etc. And most of all I needed to know how to fix it so I could get back to uni and finish my degree. I had worked so hard for four years, I was sitting on a first class honours, I just needed to get through my placements. I didn't need to talk. I needed ANSWERS!

    But I do remember my counsellor asking me about my periods of 'upset'. I am glad now that she did because I probably wouldn't remember this ever happening otherwise...

    As a teenager; moreso in my late teens and into my early twenties, I would periodically become upset, usually as a result of my father being verbally abusive and shouting at me. I'd go to my room and cry and feel like I was trapped in a nightmare.

    All the pain of everything would overwhelm me and I would sob my heart out until my head ached and my chest hurt. I was a good girl and tried my best to be a good daughter but my dad only ever saw me as wrong/evil/despicable. I felt his hatred for me and all I wanted was to be loved like a daughter should be loved by her dad. I wanted to escape from the nightmare of living with an angry, aggresive, scary and unloving man like my dad but there was no escape.

    It would become too much. The sobs felt like they would break me in half. I would never be able to stop.

    The university counsellor asked me what would happen at this point. How did I get over the 'upset'? I hadn't stopped to think about this before but I remember reflecting on this and telling her that usually it would get to a point where I felt I could die of the emotional pain and then all of a sudden I would fall asleep. I'd just conk out on my bed and wake up a few hours later feeling calm.

    I guess I didn't really think about it much because it happened so quickly; it wasn't like I really had time register that it was odd.

    Looking back on it now and having read a bit about symptoms of dissociative disorders, it seems clear to me that this was my body's way of taking over so I didn't have to deal with these unbearable emotions anymore.

    It hadn't really even occured to me that this might be unusual at the time that I recounted it to my counsellor. I wonder if it occured to the counsellor at the time that it was odd? I wonder if she knew then that this was probably a way of dissociating? I wonder if she saw that I had more complicated problems than depression caused by bullying on placement? Did she see the shifts in me that my therapist now has told me she sees? Have I always been transparent to others when I've felt no one could possibly understand me if I couldn't understand myself?

    I surprise myself here by feeling that I would be relieved to know that I have always been that transparent. It would be confirmation to me that the diagnosis fits. Yes, I still have days where I doubt that I have dissociative identity disorder, despite what goes on in my head. Sometimes I feel I will never truly believe it until I wake up in a different city having lost two weeks. But I know that is never likely to happen and even if it did, would the doubting part of me find some kind of explanation as to why that wasn't dissociative identity disorder too? It would probably go for the old 'I must have a physical brain problem' reasoning.

    I find it fascinating though to think about how the mind can control the body in such a dramatic way without any conscious awareness of what's going on. Fascinating! And it certainly helped me out a lot. I am interested to know if anyone else has experienced this kind of dissociation and do you think it's something that everyone does, or just certain people, or is it a DID thing?

    On reflection I've begun to remember this falling asleep technique working for me in many difficult situations over the years. Hopefully one day I will learn the skills to not need to rely on such an alternative method of coping. Perhaps one day emotions won't overwhelm me so much as to feel it's too much. But for now, dissociating by falling asleep gets a thumbs up from me!

  • so nervous to see T..

    by KimiAndCo on 30 March 2011

    last week in T i opened up to him properly for the first time.. i told him about two incidents of r*pe (sorry, i cant type or see the word without being triggered...) that happened in past relationships. it was so hard for me to stay there, i wanted to switch so badly, but i was too scared to switch at all so the system just shut down and i ended up sat there shaking and i couldnt look at T at all. he was really understanding and i know he wont judge me or anything, but i still feel like he might, what if ends up being turned around to be my fault? i know this wont happen, but i have it stuck in my head that it will. the only other person who knows is my best friend, even my boyfriend doesnt know.. it's so hard to say these things to anyone and now i wonder if it was too early for me to tell him about it? this is the first T i've had and i dont want to end up feeling like i need to see someone else.. i dont want things to go wrong

    i hate working through these memories.. there arent many that i remember but what i do.. i dont want to have to go through it. i know, that's why i'm in T, right? it's just so hard. i worry that if i work through some of the memories then we'll integrate, i dont want that to happen at all and i'm so scared that it will.

    we're also worried how we go about T meeting someone other than me... what happens if we switch in T? what happens if someone else is already out when it's time to go to T? i dont know what will happen... will they spend time getting to know each other at first? or will T want to talk about their memories? or what? none of us know what to expect and so we're really nervous about T meeting someone else...

    eurgh, this all kinda sucks..

  • Yesterday in my therapy session T and I talked about reactions to negative events. The conversation started because I was briefly talking about some memories I have of 'bad things' and how I avoid thinking about them because they make me feel like they are happening again.

    T said that the memory had never really been processed so that it always produced a reaction similar to the reaction you might have if the thing was happening here and now.

    She said that for something else like a pet dying, you might feel sad at the time and might get really upset when you think about it, but in time, you would be able to think about it without feeling all of the sadness you felt at the time because you have processed the memory.

    I could see where she was coming from with this and I could see that this is probably how it is for most people, but when she said that, I thought about how I still can't think of the time when my cat died without becoming really sad and tearful, even though it was fifteen years ago. I was then thinking about other things that one might think I would have processed by now and I came to realise about myself that I don't seem to have the ability to process ANYTHING properly, big or small.

    On reflection I see that there are two ways it can go with me. The first way is that something bad happens and I can't seem to deal with the emotions and years later I am avoiding thinking of the thing because I know I will still feel the pain of it. An example of this would be the cat dying thing. I think with things like this I have a marvellous ability to accidentally on purpose forget events too.

    The other way it can go is that the bad thing happens and I don't have any emotional response to it. I don't react badly at all and don't 'feel' anything when I think about it. The event is just a factual piece of historical information in my mind.

    With the second scenario, it can occur that the emotional response will then arrive a LONG time after the event. An example of this is the experience of being crushed by a man as a teenager. I remember vividly it happening, the long seconds of being on the ground, squeezed by his huge weight, hearing and feeling his breath on my ear, his cheek pressed on mine; the sound of my ribs popping and breaking. I still remember lying on the floor unable to get up afterwards. But there was no emotion. I remember pain, but I wasn't angry or offended. I didn't get a sense of having been violated and the emotions you'd expect to go with it.

    But ten years later and I'm starting to feel those things: anger...other feelings that I can't put a name on yet.

    I'm only starting to wonder now, why did he do it? And I'm coming up with the theory that it was to feel power over someone. And even now, the anger is just a glimmer that sparks and then fizzles out again.

    My T said that she thinks that I must have learnt not to have any response to events like this somewhere previous to that. She also said that she hypothesises that I have gone through my entire life not allowing myself to acknowledge any negative feelings anytime anything has happened and that it's all been shoved away somewhere.

    I can't argue with this theory. The scary part is thinking that all of the feelings are still in me somewhere, or in some person within me. Where did I shove them? Into one angry alter who feels like her rage could make the whole world explode. It makes sense now when I think about how I can become so angry I feel like I am going to burst and the cause could be something minute like a look from a stranger or a clumsy stubbing of my toe. Sometimes I can't even put my finger on what could have caused the sudden surge of rage at everything. It does scare me. A lot.

    These reflections are all very well but it leaves me with questions. One, the old never ending question that I fear will never be answered while at the same time dreading that it will: what happened to start all of this off? And two, what about all of this hidden emotion? Should I try to let it out in little bursts and will that eventually be enough to get rid of it all or is it like a dam that once let go will burst forth and destroy everything in its path? And how do I find where these emotions are all hiding if I decide that I do want to have a look at them? It's all very well saying they are there but what if I am the 'me' that feels all of this stuff is a million miles from anything I can relate to?

  • i havnt been on for a while i suppose i live in a different world really i am unable to hold down a job and at 45 i am a lot older than everyone else seems to be. ive just come off diazapan which was helping when i was on it but now things are back to normal i dont feel the new anti depressents are working. the self hate i feel for myself wells up inside me and the only way to help it to pass is self harm.i feel at a complete low with no end in sight. i felt better with the diaziapn but it was only for a few weeks i feel so lonely but i can not cope with talking or being with people if i do it only makes the paranoia worse.

    i watch people walking up and down the street but im not like them and as much as i want to i dont feel i ever will be im back to not sleeping at night so my mind goes over the same thing over and over again trying to figure out why no one likes me.i cant think of what else to say now my minds going so fast i cant keep up so i will speak later

  • this has happened to us so many times, where my insiders have been called "characters" - it's so painful, i honestly cant even think of the words to describe what we all felt when we were first told by someone that they think alters are just characters. this has, unfortunately, happened to alot of other people too, maybe not always the same words, but things like "it's not like they're real or anything" or "they're just different aspects of you".. anything like that, it's not not true and it's awful to hear.

    saying that something, or in this case, someone, isnt real is bad - you wouldnt say that to anyone who has their own physical body, would you? that's honestly the only difference we see, the fact that they dont have their own physical body and that is the only thing that seperates them from any other person. they haves likes and dislikes, their own accents, different body language, different style, different tastes, fears, strengths and weaknesses, completely different personalities and they even have their own memories - are these, or are they not, all the things that make up what a person is? i cant for the life of me figure out why not having a physical body would make you any less of a person..

    Melodee, my youngest part, she doesnt understand this.. how can she not be real if she's here? it makes her so upset when people either treat her as if she doesnt exist or if they treat her as if she's me. i dont thnk she fully realises that she shares my body. the others understand it, they dont like it, but they do understand it... they still get upset or angry when things like that are said, though. my insiders now dont like to show themselves at all around my family because of them saying these kinds of things... it's been months since anyone was themselves at home, it's just so uncomfortable. is the whole idea of them being real people just too hard to accept? why is it so hard? cant it just be as simple as treating them as complete individuals? -sigh- so many questions and they cant be answered.. how can we get this point accross? we want to do something to avoid the hurt, we want to save other people from the hurt too..

    eh... these kinds of things have been getting us a little down recently. maybe one day things will be better so we'll just keep hoping that one day things will be different i guess - it's not like there's anything else we can do, right?

  • Let Down

    by stalwart1 on 27 March 2011

    I'm sure many will agree that one of the hardest things to deal with as a depressive is other people letting you down. Often our self esteem is so low already that, while we may initially feel we have been treated unfairly, within minutes we can have convinced ourselves that, whatever has happened, we are the ones at fault and the other person is entirely in the right, and besides which if we have been treated badly it is because we are so weak and unloveable that we practically invite other people to take us for a ride. Because of that we often go away and suffer in silence, feeling hurt and upset but not acknowledging that we have any right to feel that way.

    I'm finding myself dealing with a situation like that today, though I worry at the moment that the hurt is giving way to equally unconstructive anger. At my birthday party in January, a film student friend of mine mentioned a short film/music video he wanted me to act in. It sounded exciting, but I heard no mention of it for a while, so decided to give him a call and ask him about it. He said that the funding hadn't come through, but if I could help him out with the script and various other production details he would make it anyway. I was really pleased, and we met for coffee and a long discussion of the script he had written, where I suggested lots of little changes to the lines but liked all of the central ideas.

    He explained to me at this point that he wanted me to audition, because his tutor had advised him that he should audition everyone, even the people he knew he wanted to cast, but assured me that it didn't mean I wasn't going to be in the film. I was a bit taken aback, but I agreed.

    Well, the audition was Friday, and the recalls were today. Since my audition on Friday I have heard nothing at all from my friend. I tried to text him and have had no reply, so I assume this means he isn't going to offer me a part. This seems hugely unfair of him given that I was the one that persuaded him to do it in the first place and he told me I had a guaranteed part. The least he could have done is to call me and apologise.

    I feel like there's always a more persuasive personality around that manages to overrule me and make me feel like crap - in this case I think it was the casting director - simply because I don't like to impose my views on other people. I'm feeling really rubbish about myself right now because I was really looking forward to working on the film and working with my friend. But it seems like he doesn't even value me enough to phone me and talk about it and to recognise that he has really let me down this time by choosing to only act in his own interests.

    Also, it's really just a reminder that being a depressive and being an actor is an absolutely nightmare combination. You face constant rejection and are always at the mercy of someone else's artistic desires. It doesn't matter that I was just as excited about and committed to this film as he is - he is the director and so his is the only opinion that has any weight. I'm just an actor, and so I just have to sit at home and twiddle my thumbs and hope that someone offers me a part.

    If I haven't heard from him by the end of the day I'm going to give him a call, but I don't think I can do an argument over the phone. I'm going to try and write a letter to him explaining why he has hurt my feelings. It won't make me feel any better about not getting a part, but at least I'll have got it off my chest.

  • New beginnings?

    by Katykat on 26 March 2011

    Well there has been a wonderful event in my family since my last blog post. The arrival of our grandson, Max on a beautiful Spring morning took my breath away. When I held him for the first time something magical happened and for a little while the world seemed to be a happy place, full of joy and hope. These are things I haven't felt much of in a long time.

    I also had my first session with my CBT Therapist. It was really just a 'getting to know each other' session but at the end she asked me what I wanted to get out of the sessions.

    At first I didn't know but then from somewhere I found the words. 

    I want  to witness the demise of The Voice.  The Voice is the one that tells me how useless I am, how ugly and old and how pathetic I am. It's the one that tells me I am  wrong, that I  always was wrong about everything I ever thought or said or did. It's the Voice that tells me that I have led a useless waste of an existence.  The Voice has been my jailer, my torturer, my worst enemy for as long as I can remember.

    I want to be able to look in the mirror and like the person I see there or at the very least respect her.

    I  want some peace from the endless fighting that comes from living with depression. I will be 60 this year.  Yes that is what I want -I would like to live the last part of my life in some peace.

    As I look forward to spending precious time with my growing family my hopes for the future lie in this final round of therapy. Can it be done? I hope so with all my heart.

     

  • Boooze.. no no

    by Prii on 25 March 2011

    Exams are coming, and my stress levels have gone mental, not to mention gaining stress spotsHmm

    However, the counselling ive been going to has been really good, still early days yet but i feel confident in it. It doesn't stop the anxiety, nothing does, but its a start to relaxing.

    One thing ive found out though is NOT to mix my setraline tablets with alocho. Not that Im trying to top myself but going out and having a few drinks is not good anymore. Ive consulted my doctor and he said that the setraline tablets help you get drunk quicker! Found that rather amusing.

     

    Im not sure if ive ever mentioned this before, but i do have some very strange OCD's. My latest one is unable to being able to sleep, knowing im the last one upstairs in my room. If i do, i believe something very bad will happen to me. Something of a supermatural nature, (Okay, i sound like a loon now) Therefore, I have to be asleep before my parents! This is causing a bit of a nightmare because i dare not to stay out too late. Its my boyfriend's 21st birthday on Monday and i don't know how i am going to back coming back into my house at 3/4am without having another panic attack.Sad

     

    Anyone have any good tips to overcome OCD's?

  • When we were children

    by Candycan on 25 March 2011

    I was never one to really notice negatives as a child. I don't really remember having feelings about much except about how much I hated my sister and how much my father seemed to hate me. But other things didn't usually bother me that much.

    It's only recently that I've begun to reflect on some of the few things that I can remember from my childhood and have started to feel anger. The anger is for things that happened as well as things that didn't happen which should have.

    I guess when you're little you don't know what a childhood should be like. You don't get handed a manual when you arrive on earth explaining what you should expect so you tend to accept what you have as being normal, unless you compare yourself to others and find that what you have is different.

    Although I could clearly see some differences between myself and other kids (I didn't know I was in a cult but I knew I was in a very different kind of church than anyone else) in many ways I didn't realise that my childhood was lacking in some important ingredients such as affection, stimulation, security, supervision, encouragement, routine... I was probably too busy worrying about my impending damnation to a place where I was going to burn for eternity, to really notice. Also, being in a cult itself meant that I wasn't regularly around other families to be able to compare myself to what they had and the families that I did associate with were usually ones within the cult anyway.

    But was it as simple as that I was too stupid to realise I was unhappy or was it more than that? Could it be that I was already dissociating and that the happy-go-lucky child that I heard people talk about at times was an already functioning alter who didn't have to deal with any of the crap stuff?

    As I am writing this I feel like I'm seeing for the first time that there were two alters of me as a child. I need to get my head around this. I don't know how to explain what I'm seeing.

    Half an hour later...
    On reflection I don't know why it is a surprise to realise that there was more than one of me even way back then. The books I've read about dissociative identity disorder explain that alters form as a child when there are things that are too difficult for a child to understand or deal with so they split them off into another personality who can deal with the things. This means the child doesn't have to think about the bad things. OK so I knew the theory, but as I don't have a very good memory of my childhood I didn't really consider that it would have been obvious to me if I did remember. But while I was writing this and thinking about what I do remember I realised that there were two parts of me as a child. I still don't really know how to explain that.

  • Well, I have been curious about what this 'polyvore' thing is that everyone seems to be talking about so after doing a bit of research I decided to give it a go for myself! This is my first attempt, which I'm sure isn't very good compared to everything I've seen on the blogs I read but I am kind of proud of it anyway! (You cant see it because I couldn't get the link to work on here but you will see it at http://dissociativeidentitydisorderandme.blogspot.com/)

    I felt one of my child parts was doing the picking and got a strong sense of her feeling that these are some of the things she likes. Our childhood was barren of anything pretty or girly and although I don't remember really wishing for these things at the time (I do remember wishing I had been born a boy) I do feel now that we missed out on something.

    So now I am an adult with dissociative identity disorder. Sometimes I feel I have a clear picture of who I am sharing my body with, at other times I feel more separate from it and still struggle with the concept of me having DID at all. But most times, my child parts are the easiest for me to be aware of and it's easy for me to let the child parts take over because, well, they are easy to like (most of the time) and it's fun to be around them. Nowadays I make more of an effort to provide my child parts with the opportunity to have fun. I guess I kinda feel like I want them to enjoy being a kid in a way I never got to. They get to draw pictures and make things and play with teddies and express themselves in a way I couldn't. They also have the ability to enjoy life in a way some of my parts (including myself) can't yet do. I hope one day this will be different but for now, I am happy to allow the children to have fun because I get to feel it when they do. I think this must be a sort of co-consciousness?

  • Well I guess I should introduce myself. I'm a female student studying both HNC Interactive Media (at college full time) and a post grad certificate in Autism (at uni part time) who lives in sunny Glasgow. I've had numerous labels over the past years... shy, quiet, depressed, social anxious, a self harmer and the one I got most recently- Autistic.

    I’m 23 now and I wasn’t diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome until I was 21 years old. All my childhood I was told I was too quiet, too shy and too passive.  

    I was bullied throughout school but it wasn’t until I’d left and started training to be a primary teacher at university (yeah, not the most brilliant of career choices!) that I started to have more serious problems. By second year I was getting extremely anxious and began failing my teaching placements. I could interact with the children fine, but just panicked when I had to talk to the teachers and tutors. At the end of my third year I got placed into academic suspension. I went and did Camp America with special needs kids and adults over the summer holidays but I couldn’t cope with trying to be around other people 24/7 and got sent home early.

    I ended up basically having a breakdown and turned to a university counsellor for help. She was the first person who seemed to understand me. From there I saw a psychiatrist, was mis-diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and spent 10 weeks in the Priory as a day patient. Being forced through hours of group therapy was like torture to me and I ended up developing depression and began self harming.

    I spent the year after seeing the university counsellor and psychiatrist. It was then that my counsellor started noticing I had traits of autism spectrum disorder (ASD)- that I was extremely passive, got very anxious about communicating, didn’t cope well with change and had certain sensory hypersensitivities, like noise and bright light. Several months later she convinced my psychiatrist to refer me to the adult autism team. After an assessment that stretched over 4 months I was finally diagnosed as having Asperger’s Syndrome.

    Initially I had very mixed feelings about my diagnosis. Part of me was really happy that I’d finally found out why I was struggling so much and that I wasn’t crazy like I was starting to fear! (well at least not quite as crazy) The other part was I guess in denial. I just kept thinking if I am autistic why has it taken 21 years for anyone to notice? My friends and family seemed to be in denial as well. My mum in particular couldn’t really process the information and kept saying ‘yeah, but it’s just mild, isn’t it?’. I suppose it’s taken me about a year for it to actually sink in. I’ve always loved working with kids on the autism spectrum and now I know why I can relate to them so much.

    Despite getting my diagnosis of ASD over a year ago, my mental health difficulties didn’t magically vanish like I’d been hoping they would. In fact, my problems actually got worse. I was assessed by a psychologist over the course of a horrendously long five months. They knew about my ASD and previous social anxiety disorder diagnosis but still insisted that I was perfectly able to communicate my thoughts and feelings by speaking to them- all I had to do was try harder. This of course was complete rubbish and I became so distressed that I was actually suicidal and my self harm increased. At this point they decided to tell me that they couldn’t help me and that basically they had no idea what to do. I felt completely abandoned. I was passed onto my community mental health team- who also had no clue how to work with someone on the autism spectrum.

    The past year has been full of ups and downs muddling through sometimes with my cpn supporting me and other times with me trying to teach her. It's not been brilliant if I'm honest... my self harming got so bad at one point I was in A&E getting stitches 4 times in under 2 weeks. My arms are a mess. 

    At the moment I'm trying to cope with my Asperger's and 'emotional problems' (my cpn's words, not mine!), stop self harming, keep busy with college and try and move on from the past few years. I'm slowly getting there and I'll let you all know how I'm getting on.

  • I am a 19 year old student, living with depression and I have struggled over the past year or so with anorexia and bulimia. 

    I believe it started with various underlying problems, such as parents divorcing, pressure on me during exam periods, but I guess things came to a head in the last year. I am a self-confessed perfectionist and if one aspect of my life is not perfect so to speak, I panic. I choose to keep myself busy, normally through exercise. It is my way of staying in control I guess, by controlling what I eat and how much I exercise. When everything else seems out of control, this is one aspect of my life that I can control myself.

    I hit a low last year, because, as trivial as it may seem I had started seeing a boy, who then procceeded to get with my best friend. All of a sudden (although I had struggled with my weight before) I began to question what was wrong with me. I compared myself to my best friend and deduced that she was skinnier than me, driving me into a period of anorexia and bulimia over the summer. I would rarely eat more than 600 calories a day, going on runs daily or on two-hour trips to the gym. Since I was working all summer in 3 different jobs, and I was separated from my university friends over the summer, I felt extremely isolated. When I returned to university after the summer, the same boy and I started seeing eachother again, which probably didn't help situations. Since I had lost weight I immediately assumed that it was because I was thinner that this boy now liked me again. However, since then we stopped seeing eachother and I yet again questioned what was wrong with myself. 

    I had begun to combat the situation, until recently when I was yet again knocked back by someone who I had begun seeing and began to like. I am a very distant person and struggle to open up with my feelings so it takes a lot for me to actually like someone and get involved in a relationship. I believe that feelings of rejection are the trigger to my illness, and feelings of isolation or lonelyness. I know that the most recent breakdown in my relationships was due to an outside event which was beyond my control. I had begun seeing a boy but just two weeks ago, his best friend died suddenly of cancer, just two weeks after being diagnosed with it. He has told me that his head is all over the place at the moment which is totally understandable, and I respect that rather than just pretending everything is OK. I just can't seem to shake this feeling of rejection, even though it is temporarily put on hold. The majority of my friends are in long-term relationships, and I question what is wrong with me that I can't seem to hold down a boyfriend.

    I'm sure this is probably not my full story, as there will be plenty of underlying issues that have caused me to feel this way. I believe the ones highlighted here are the 'straws that broke the camel's back' so to speak. I have begun seeing a counsellor, which is difficult to get all my feelings out, as my family is definetly NOT a family to talk openly about feelings, but is obviously necessary.

    Any comments are of course welcome :)

    Shona x

  • A friend in distress

    by stalwart1 on 23 March 2011

    Last night, I managed to drag myself out of the house after getting about 2 hours sleep, and I'm glad I did, because the comedy show was great. Unfortunately, although I slept through the night I now feel so exhausted I can barely keep my head up and when I tried to nap I couldn't fall asleep, so I'm going to have to miss a meeting today about a volunteering opportunity I was really excited about because I can't face the trip into central London and back again.

    Anyway, that's not really what I wanted to talk about. Yesterday evening, my friend M updated me on a mutual friend of ours, E, who has been unemployed since she finished university in June last year. She's clearly been sinking further and further into a deep depression over the last few months but is totally unwilling to admit to this. She lives with M, who tells me that E barely ever leaves her bedroom, and when she does is usually either moody or tearful. She cancels social engagements at the last minute - even lying to M and saying she hadn't been invited to my birthday party in January, when she had told me she couldn't come. She isn't claiming any benefits although she will be entitled to jobseeker's allowance and housing benefit, and is instead living from the income of her boyfriend, who is barely making ends meet in order to support her. In every way she is not coping or managing to take the reins of her life, but is in total denial about just how depressed she is. I really think she would benefit from taking antidepressants for a few months, but I know she is very anti-medication and was always a bit uncomfortable at university with the fact that I took them. This is all made even worse about the fact that she's been assaulted twice since moving to London (when she's always lived in small towns, boarding schools and the countryside in the past) - I find this incredible as I've lived in East London all my life and never been seriously attacked, but it is understandably making her very jittery about leaving the house.

    I know in this situation the only person who can make the decision to try and get better is her, but it's so frustrating to see her in pain and know that it would take some relatively small actions for her to get on the road to recovery. She really only needs to go to a GP and ask for help, especially since lots of surgeries have counselling services, and apply for some basic benefits. I'm so worried that at some point her boyfriend won't be able to cope, since he is essentially holding down a full-time job as well as being a full-time carer for her with absolutely no support from anyone else because she won't admit that she's ill. If she loses him she really could reach crisis point. It's an awful situation.

    Not really sure what's to be done as she doesn't seem prepared to talk to any of us about it, but I just needed to get the whole situation off my chest. I've gone through years of my Mum refusing any counselling that's offered her and insisting she can't be helped, but at least she admits she has depression and takes medication for it. E won't even accept that she's unwell.

  • I have a huge DID related problem that I need a magic wand for....

    My return to work after my big trip has been made more scary than it would be otherwise by the fact that I am now in a new job role (same work place but different area of work). It's at the level that I am qualified to work at now (up until now I've worked in a job that I didn't need my degree for).

    I had such a hard time getting through university. I was bullied by my supervisors and was having a lot of problems with dissociation because of this (I didn't know it was dissociation at the time but looking back now I can see that it was. I couldn't figure out where all of my time was going to amongst other things.) which meant I wasn't able to do the work properly which made the bullying worse, which spiralled down to end with me being failed in what should have been the last month of a four year course.

    I was carted off to a counsellor and told not to come back to uni until I was better (I had admitted that I was struggling with depression). I didn't know I had DID yet but I knew enough about myself to know that a few counselling sessions was not going to fix me so in time my high functioning on top of the world self took over and presented a lovely rosy picture of my recovery to my counsellor who then informed my uni that I was 'better'.

    This super duper 'part' then went back and finished my uni course some two years after I should have graduated and flew through the repeat section of it as though she had been doing the work daily over the course of a twenty year career. She wowed the supervisors (and me) and passed with first class honours.

    I see the person that did this as someone else, not me. I feel like a fraud. It wasn't me who did the work or got the first. I didn't even want to attend my graduation and a part tried to sabotage this by making sure I missed the deadline for booking in to attend. My husband found out and rang the uni to make sure I could go so I went in the end and I did feel proud in that moment but afterwards I felt like a fraud again.

    That was two years ago now and I am just starting a job in the field I studied in. I'm more highly qualified than any of my colleagues but I feel completely incompetent. I feel like I don't have the knowledge or skills to do the job properly.
    I know there is a part of me that does have the capacity and I was really hoping she would take over and that I'd be able to do the work with no problem but I have now done a couple of days and she isn't here!

    What am I going to do? My therapist talks about me communicating internally with parts to ensure co-operation. She said I should ask that part to share the knowledge with other parts, but I don't know how to do this! I can't control my parts like that! I don't choose who comes out and when and I don't know how to get this part to take over now.

    What am I going to do? I feel completely overwhelmed and incapable and I feel like it's only a matter of hours before I get discovered for being this fraud. What makes it even scarier is that this is not just my perception of things. The evidence is there from the past, I need that part in order to do well. I was hopeless without her. Today I felt hopeless. My work today was not good enough and I had evidence of that.

    What am I going to do? I think the stress is affecting me already. Today I struggled with wanting to purge after my dinner. I haven't thought about doing this in months. I feel like I don't have control over myself.

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