You are here: Talk > Blogs >

Mental health blog

Posts from September 2010

  • Feeling Slightly Afraid

    by mindmap on 29 September 2010

    Had amental health assessment the other day lasted nearly two hours. Felt very awkward because the questions seemed very probing now it's been suggested that I will have to come back and see a doctor. Are they trying to say I'm mad am I slowly loosing the plot and not aware of it. My head feels so meessed up but I know it's been messed up by the very people that are supposed to be there helping. I'm facing homelessness I don't have enough money to survive on bcause it goes to pay the shortfall in the rent and the council just don't seem bothered that in 4 weeks time i will be on the street. Try to tell people how i am feeling but then people assume I'm getting getting violent but I'm not I'm just so frustrated so having a rant on here just as a way of getting it off my chest. Part of me feels very guilty about the whole thing as I feel that I am a waste of space and that there is more deserving and other people with worse problems than me so I don't know if I'm been week or selfish don't know if I'm right or wrong. I do know I want the life I had back just wish I could find some answers.

  • Our Exit is a short story about a woman suffering from Alzheimer's. It reflects the personal experience of a dementia sufferer, rather than that of the carer.

    Here is a short extract:

    “I remember a fall, and a pain in my hip… But I am confused.” The woman did not appear familiar to me but she was here and she was doing something to my arm, so it made sense to say something.

    “Where am I?” I asked.

    “You are safe now, you’re in the hospital. You had a fall but you are getting better.”

    A fall. That’s terrible. “Ohh, can I go home now?”

    “You still aren’t well enough to go running about now are you, Joan?”

    No, I guess not. I do feel in some kind of pain, but whatever she did to my arm has made it go away somewhat. Oh what a peaceful and delicious feeling. I let the freedom from pain and suffering wash over me and infect my thoughts.

    go to the blog for the story in full: You Only See What I See Sometimes

    ____________________________________________________________________

    Our Exit, by Yowics: http://yowics.tumblr.com

  • Raising Awareness

    by Norrms on 29 September 2010

    Why is it that when we are young, the end of September is an age away from Christmas? Yet as we get older we think that at this time of year Christmas is just around the corner? Maybe I think too much?? LOL but my consultant did say to me “Use it or lose it” when he first diagnosed me two years ago. Such things go through my head a lot more these days and I do find myself thinking back to boyhood days.

    Those days seemed much simpler then, harder? YES! But simple 

    If there is one thing to say about this awful disease is usually some of your best and earliest memories are usually the last to go. As you can imagine this throws up such a confusion of emotions as I like to think that I have many many happy memories of my life early and lately (what I can remember) the sheer thought of forgetting my darling wife and my family fills me with such dread some days that I actually shake with fear. I have always had this fear, even before my diagnosis that I will wake up one day, alone; all by myself and all my life has just been a dream.

    Then only to be told two years ago that there is a strong possibility this is going to actually happen!! Most of my memories eaten away by this unforgiving disease of the brain until all I see are my boyhood memories, if I am lucky. All this drives me on to do as much as I can, whilst I can, for as long as I can as I quite flatly refuse to lie down to this illness or roll over.

    Yesterday Elaine and me attended out Memory Cafe we volunteer at and I was asked to say a few words about my illness (me? a few words? Are you kidding me??LOL LOL) So trying to raise awareness I said that at one time the word “Cancer” was only whispered about or called the big “C” Then of course we had HIV or “Aids” which seemed to be only talked about in corners or not at all. Now both subjects are talked about openly and honestly. WHY??? Because we brought it to the forefront of people’s attention! We advertised the fact that it’s just an illness and not something to be scared of! We stood up to it and admitted more needed to be done to combat awful diseases like this.

    Because of this, people listened, Government listened and the generosity of human beings came to the forefront! They stood side by side to be counted and made their donations which are needed and are so welcome to fund research and hopefully one day a cure. The result is what we have today. Millions of pounds being donated by the government for research and the words Cancer or HIV used as commonly as any other word.

    So what of the word Dementia? Why, in this day and age is it still only whispered about? Why do Governments plough more money into one disease than another when they are all equally devastating? The answer is quite simple when you think about it! If it wasn’t for those wonderful people campaigning about the diseases mentioned and driving the message forward that more awareness needed to be raised then the general public would still be talking about Cancer and HIV in whispers!

    Does the same not apply to the word DEMETIA?? Of course it does!! And by raising awareness as much as possible about DEMENTIA and all its problems can, and will, benefit Dementia sufferers now and for the future. So come on guys, it worked for other diseases and I hope and pray it will work for this disease in my lifetime and a cure will be found.

    HELP RAISE AWARENESS.

    As always, best wishes, Norrms and family xxxxxxxx

  • I'll be writing more but am going in for a left hip replacement on Thursday

     

    I am 64 and have known I was 'different' since early childhood - because of a cleft lip and palate, and my mother's chronic illness for which I, wrongly, felt responsible.  It wasn't until I was in my thirties that we found that essential tremor is a genetic condition, and she had it extremely badly.  I have it very mildly.  I was always a loner at school - moderately dyspraxic, not wanted for any teams etc. and a bookworm and 'teachers pet.'

    Even my parents didn't know that I tried to strangle myself when I was 9.  When I was nursing I did brilliantly academically, but had great difficulty in personal relationships.  I came out of nursing/midwifery because of depression and back pain, and did a secretarial course.  I worked at a charity for 26 years until being mde redundant and retiring.  I had a lot of interpersonal problems at work - I'm a strong Myers-Briggs ISTJ and can come across os aggressive without intending to.  The last two years were much easier when I had a new line manager and felt much better in relating, trying to model myself on him.  For a while I was also Mum's sole carer as well as working full time.

    I have been on most antidepressants with varying results.  I certainly respond better to the older ones than the SSRIs, although I am prepared to try sertraline (Lustral)I prefer to discuss drugs etc. by my superb practice of GPs and have declined offers for psychiatic treatment.  I had two courses of short counselling and would like some sessions on dealing with chronic pain with the same counsellor, but traveliing is difficult with my back and hip arthritis.  Currently I'm taking 100mg trimipramine and 50mg amitriptyline but hope to change when things have settled down.  I'm having a setback, partly because of the pain, and partly because I am on prenisolone for polymyalgia rheumatica.  Reducing the dose to 7.5mg also leads to worse pain control.  At times I have suicidal thoughts, although at present am not.  I try to eat healthily and writing helps, but exercise has to stop at present.

     

  • Hiya, just thought it was time i said a big hello and a bigger THANK YOU to you all for the support you have shown me and my family lately, this is the link

    Best wishes, Norrms and family xxxxxxx

  • The Reality of Alzheimers

    by Norrms on 23 September 2010
    THE
    REALITY OF
    ALZHEIMERS
     
     I knew something was wrong as I sat in my chair and felt as though somebody was trying to push me down into the Abyss. I usually call this my “Concrete Overcoat” as depression meets Alzheimer’s and clashes together like a deafening thunderclap and clouds my brain into thinking there is nothing left in the world that is good”
     
    A bold statement you may think but this is what happens when out of the blue the depression that goes with the knowledge of having such a horrid disease which has already claimed the lives of some of my family.
     
    This is the reality of having an Alzheimer’s diagnosis.

    So there I sat, in my chair, trying to remember all the good things I have in my life, my family, my friends and my abilities to try and carry on, but nothing but blackness and despair runs through my tormented mind. I look across at my “Angel” wife Elaine, she know something is wrong immediately by the look in my eyes.
     
    She crosses the room and whilst standing, cradles my head into her lap, just as my wonderful grandmother used to do when I was but a child.” Everything will be ok you know” she whispers to me while stroking my hair, but at this moment in time, nothing can convince me. Maybe it’s a culmination of turning fifty three, and reading a letter from my clinical Phshycolgist I received a day or so ago when she asked me to help her write a paper about being told at such an early age you have Alzheimer`s. I remember the statement “I was there when you were diagnosed and saw how you looked.” Maybe I had become complacent in trying to forget I was suffering from this awful thing.
     
    All this together must have triggered something and I couldn’t see past anything at all at this moment.
     
    I AM SO SCARED!!!!! MORE SCARED THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE!!!
     
     
    There, I have said it now, it’s out in the open, and this is the raw reality of what it’s like to be told you have early onset of Alzheimer’s at the age of fifty!! I`m scared, I’m scared for my family, I’m scared for what I may turn into but most of all I am scared to die !!
    I have wrote this just to try and show you wonderful people who look after people like me what must be going through the minds of so many people in my position and also must have gone through the minds of those who are further down the line than me. This is the truth of this unforgiving disease.
     
    I know it’s not my usual upbeat post but Dementia has many faces, some I am good at hiding at, and some I have no control over.
     
    “Please God they will find a cure someday”
     
    As the night passed and I drifted off to sleep eventually after much reassurance from my darling wife, a million dreams came rushing through my mind, all dark and all to horrific to describe here. The following morning we both arose, very tired but yet feeling we have survived yet another battle whilst knowing there will be many more to come. But with Elaine, my family and my friends by my side I just know that all will be ok.
    “Until the “Concrete Overcoat “calls again
     
    Best wishes, Norrms and family xxxxxxxx
  • Hiya, i have just recieved this e mail from someone who works for the Alzheimers society and asked if they could read out my poem at Gloucester Cathedral on World Alzheimers day yeesterday. I am so proud yet so humbled that they did and now... i feel as if i did my little bit for the biggest day in the Alzheimers calendar, here is the maili got and the poem that was read out.
    She is going to send me the order of service sheets to keep and show my family, best wishes, Norrms and family xxxxxxxxxx

    Hello Normms and family,

    I hope this finds you well.

    I've just got back from our Evensong service at Gloucester Cathedral. Your poem, Silent Voices, was read out!
    I have a copy of the order of service for you if you'd like me to post it to you - the poem is printed in it. It seemed to go down well.
    If you would like me to send you the order of service please send your address.
    Thank you so much for allowing us to use it.

    This is the poem

    SILENT

    VOICE`S

    Silent voices shouting everywhere

    Silent, yet still rising through the air,

    Eyes that look but do not see,

    Beating heart inside of me,

    Forever wanting their life back,

    No more wandering this lonely track,

    To talk, to laugh, be understood,

    To live their lives as they should,

    One year there, next year gone,

    Like the setting of the sun,

    The Dementia Demon comes along,

    Takes away your favourite song,

    I have all this yet to come,

    Vacant stare, body numb,

    But to the end and from the start,

    Place your hand around my heart,

    Feel it beat inside of me,

    Look in my eyes and you will see,

    Happy scenes without a tear,

    And my silent voice you will hear

    Best wishes, Norrms and family xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Not All Doom And Gloom

    by Norrms on 21 September 2010

    Thank You
    Billy Butlin

    As I went to sleep last night
    My mind went back to when,
    It was Butlin`s 1967
    And I was only ten
    There were Tannoy`s in the chalets
    Hung upon the walls,
    Calling “First sitting`s are now beginning
    In the dining halls,
    The Redcoats stood in line,
    Laughing without care,
    While “Freddie and The Dreamers played”
    With Herman’s Hermits Hair”
    Then we would play bingo,
    Watching all the mums
    Counting all their change,
    Trying to do their sums,
    And the dad`s were there,
    Sitting at the bar,
    Children playing, shouting loud,
    And laughing from afar,
    Or we would watch a film
    Down at Cinema Den,
    With a neon light displaying,
    “Child Crying, Chalet TEN!
    But those days now,
    Are just days gone by,
    But when I remember them,
    It always makes me cry,
    For we were very poor,
    But always went away,
    Even though some years,
    It was only for the day
    So thank you Billy Butlin,
    For everything you did,
    From me to you a great big hug,
    From one contented little kid

    Best wishes, Norrms and family xxxxxxxxx

  • Depression and video games.

    by BaronessTom on 21 September 2010

    Not an obvious topic pairing, but bare with me.

    I’ve come to realise that it’s something I have a problem with. The time I spend submerged in each of their respective game universes borders on ridiculous.

    And yet, I know why I do it.

    As with a lot of people, it’s to make up for what’s lacking in my real life. The Bioshock universe is the greatest example of my problem with gaming. I fear this is because Bioshock 2 closely matches my view of the world, the landscape of my psyche and everything I wish I were. Within the realms of the game I’m unique, gifted, powerful; there are none like me anywhere. But in life I’m unremarkable, I have no gifts, no talents, nothing to set me aside from the vast majority. I’ve spent my entire life imagining what it would be like to be more powerful than everyone else. To be able to just stand above everyone else and feel like I was special. When playing as Subject Delta I wield powerful weapons, I unleash elemental superpowers and crush anything that tries to stand in my way. In life I avoid any challenges, I cower away from potentially scary situations. I’ve spent so long in fear of life that all I can do is imagine an unrealistic, fantastical world where I am superawesome. It’s been a long time since I felt truly in contact with reality.

    So many games feature a dark, broken-down landscape. Fallout and Bioshock being key examples. Bioshock is set in a would-be utopian city on the floor of the Atlantic Ocean called Rapture. When roaming through the halls of Rapture I feel remarkably comfortable. It’s dark, it’s damp, it’s devoid of life and devoid of sanity. It’s like being inside my own mind. It’s broken down, graffitied. There are inhuman creatures around every corner. Little girls with pallid skin and yellow eyes gorging on the blood of dead drug addicts. It’s so dark and twisted; it’s everything I know.

    The very idea of Rapture is something I’d been imagining even long before Bioshock existed. A city isolated from the rest of the world. Where science is free to progress without the limits of ethics or government restrictions. Where the power of the individual is revered. A city of world-class minds. No religion, no ethics, just logic and the progression of technologies.

    Even now, my obsession with the Bioshock universe has led me astray from the topic I set out to talk about. I just get lost in my thoughts, imagining myself living in Rapture, away from the rest of the world, where people don’t pressure you to go out and experience life.

    It’s a world of interest, excitement and achievement; the things I’m lacking in my own life. I can feel like something in games and books and my own writings; I feel like I’m worth something.

    It’s the same in dreams. I wish I could just sleep forever.

    The other day I reached a new low. I was playing Bioshock 2 and, every time the character Eleanor spoke of how much she cared for me, her ‘father’, it made me happy, it felt like it was real, someone wanted me and needed me. Then the game ended and I remembered it was just that; a game.

  • Silent Voices

    by Norrms on 20 September 2010

    SILENT VOICE`S

    Silent voices shouting everywhere

    Silent, yet still rising through the air,

    Eyes that look but do not see,

    Beating heart inside of me,

    Forever wanting their life back,

    No more wandering this lonely track,

    To talk, to laugh, be understood,

    To live their lives as they should,

    One year there, next year gone,

    Like the setting of the sun,

    The Dementia Demon comes along,

    Takes away your favourite song,

    I have all this yet to come,

    Vacant stare, body numb,

    But to the end and from the start,

    Place your hand around my heart,

    Feel it beat inside of me,

    Look in my eyes and you will see,

    Happy scenes without a tear,

    And my silent voice you will hear


    Best wishes, Norrms and family xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Looking Through their eyes

    by Norrms on 20 September 2010

    LOOKING THROUGH THEIR  EYES

    Try looking through your children’s eyes,

    And tell me what you see,

    It matters not how old they are,

    They`re so special to you and me,

    Has my illness changed their lives?

    In any way at all,

    Or is it Musketeer time,

    All shouting “ONE FOR ALL!”

    As I look into their eyes,

    Trying to read between the lines,

    Do they ever cast their minds?

    Back to better times,

    When days were always sunny,

    And laughter could be heard,

    And there was never ever a mention,

    Of that dammed dementia word,

    Does it now cloud their lives?

    And everything they do,

    Or have they taken it in their stride,

    Respecting me and you,

    I sometimes read their pain,

    Hidden behind their eyes,

    And wish that it would disappear,

    And stifle all their cries,

    Yes I have The Alzheimer’s,

    And a failing heart,

    But I would never change a day,

    From the very start,

    So to family and my friends,

    We will walk as one,

    Until our day is over,

    And the setting of the sun

    Best wishes, Norrms and family xxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Time to [Redefine] Change

    by JustEliza on 20 September 2010

    One in four people suffer from mental health problems at some point in their lives, a statistic which has been passed around and quoted so often, we’ve become desensitized to it. It’s supposed to challenge our culture (desire? habit?) of excluding people who experience mental illness by acknowledging the prevalence of it. But the problem (as usual) is a bit more complex. The Department of Health suggests that people can manage their mental health problems successfully, but the biggest barrier to getting back on their feet is not the symptoms of illness, but the attitudes of other people.”

     

    Time to Change’s recent social experiment (despite its design flaws) has elegantly shown that most people would prefer to date someone unattractive and uninteresting than someone with mental illness. Can I really blame them? I’m not sure I would answer any differently, and I’m certainly not obliged by Equality and Diversity laws when I choose who to spend time with and who to marry.

     

    I chose my husband specifically because he was so stable and kind, and because I believed we would have genetically and socially superior children (Superior to me, that is). Would he have still chosen me had I opened the conversation with “I like Frou Frou and have a personality disorder” rather than simply getting to know each other slowly and sensitively as people? It’s a bit like stating on your first date that you are incontinent or have erectile dysfunction. Who is that helping, really – you or your date?

     

    I defy anyone who feels the need to disclose that they suffer from mental illness to 'prepare' people.  If we’re disclosing our personal foibles, what about disclosing our high cholesterol, our physical inactivity, our inability to take out the trash, or our secret belief that we are smarter than most people who will reply to our ad? Wouldn’t that be a fairer comparison than simply being Attractive, Interesting (+ BY THE WAY, Mentally Ill)?

     

    It’s easy for me to toe the line. People with personality disorders are not even considered to be mentally ill by many experts. Ironically, without the power of excuse, all that leaves us PD folk with is stigma and exclusion. Under the new changing times, I am empowered to share that I suffer from depression and anxiety. I experience them from time to time, but I don’t suffer. So what am I left to say that anyone else is prepared to hear? Because personality disorder is not mental illness anymore. It’s me. Just Eliza. Attractive, interesting (+ BY THE WAY, Different).

     

    This is not self-deprecation. A personality disorder is, by definition, undesirable. But I embrace the term. I am okay with being undesirable, moreso while the discomfort helps you realise the massive impact small choices can collectively have on a human life. We all affect each other, whether we are 'one in four' or 'three in four.'

     

    I may be an unavoidably different adult with a spectacularly higher risk of both mental and physical illness (including suicide!), thanks to a gauntlet of attachment problems and series of unfortunate events. And I understand that 74% of you wouldn’t want to date me or be my flatmate. But you would be a fool to not appreciate the unique and powerful perspectives and contributions that people with mental illnesses and personality disorders have.

     

    Let me redefine 'one in four' for you.

     

    If your finger is bleeding, you wash it, bandage it, and more importantly – use a knife more skillfully and more safely in the future.

     

    25% of our nation is bleeding, which means 100% of us need to care. And 100% of us need to change.

  • So, life's not so bad.

    by BaronessTom on 19 September 2010

    My two last blog posts were pretty much all gloom and doom, I must say. But today's not been a bad day at all! Despite a mother on the edge (women problems, I hear *rolleyes*) it's been kind of nice.

    I'm happy that I have had a rare reprieve from feeling like crap! Despite how problematic and disheartening those bad days can be, there's always one or two days that make you feel better about the whole thing.

    I didn't sleep so well last night so I woke up late, naturally and went into town to meet a friend. I know it may be cliche but my best friend always brightens my day. I had to return home once she left, which is always the thing I like the least and the thing I like the most. I like it because it's home, I've never been good at dealing with being away from home, at all. It's the thing I like the least because it's home, it's the same every time, I can't be left in peace and most things I do get questioned constantly; I can't do anything without someone asking me why I'm doing it, and I don't always have an explanation.

    In a similar vein, I wish people would let me be in a mood. Every time I'm just the tiniest bit un-perky I get hundreds and hundreds of questions from people. "What's up with you?" "Why are you in a mood?" I know, I know, this is only people voicing their concern, but when I say I don't want to talk about it or I just want to be left alone, people seem to see these as negotiable conditions. The two things, however, that annoy me above all else are when people say one of two things; "Did you take your medication this morning?" or "Maybe you should go back to the doctor's." It annoys me that people seem to think that every single tiny mood I'm in is due to a malfunction of medication control. I would like to think that medication is a gentle help to keep me afloat, not something that I need to take so others don't find me unbearable. I know, it's unfair that people should have to endure my moods when it's not their fault but, also, it's not my fault either. When I am in a mood, I tend to stray away from others, both for their sake and mine. 

    I feel that for the past few years, I've been a lot different than I used to be, which is kind of a given really. But I think that medication has compounded the problem. You see, with medication, for me personally, it's a lot like an emotional numbing agent; it doesn't make me feel happier, it just makes me not feel bad. The result being a whole lot of nothing. Of course, it can't be that much nothing, there can't be nothing there otherwise I'd just sit in a corner and vegetate. But some people seem to think that every minor change in personality is voluntarily instigated by me; it's really not!

    I suppose it's a little rich to expect people to understand the way I work when no human can readily understand a normal one and I certainly don't consider myself normal.

    I started with a topic that I can't even remember now. I could scroll up and read, but this way it makes the post more genuine and realistic.

    Yeah.

    Bye bye for now.

     

    I hope that pretty soon I'll have something positive to say, I hope. But, uni is just around the corner so that might bring something to sing praises about.

     

    Until next time, my friends.

    Tom x

    (Furthermore, I apologize for the lack of formatting in my last post, at the time I was given no option to add a format, and now I can't be bothered to go back and change it.)
  • What a weekend !!

    by Norrms on 19 September 2010

    A  Great
    Weekend
    To remember

    Well, that was a weekend to remember (I hope) As you know Friday was my birthday and I was surrounded by all my family and some friends, not to mention all the birthday greetings I received over the internet as well. It was quite overwhelming but I appreciated it so much and believe me I slept very well Friday night!! Whilst my children/Grandchildren were visiting I started to think of them one by one as they played and chatted to me and amongst themselves.

    I found myself staring at them, unintentionally, and wondering what would become of them in the future and what they would look like? The sudden realisation that I might not be there to see this for myself or at least remember any of it hit me like a Lightning bolt!! My family and my children are my life and the thought of forgetting all this or not being there made me shudder like never before. Maybe it was the emotions of the day mixed in with a little self pity but it raised a couple of points in my mind.

    Is it a curse to be told so early on in life and so early on at the beginning of my dementia journey?

    Does being diagnosed with having early onset Alzheimer’s at such an early stage a blessing or a death sentence?

    I keep thinking “Ok! So I forgot a few things and set the kitchen on fire twice due to forgetfulness but did I really want to know it was dementia that was causing it??

    “Have I benefitted from knowing or has it just added to my depression I already had at being diagnosed with heart failure a few years earlier?

    And more importantly “Would I have been better off not knowing and just slowly slide into dementia in my own ignorance and denial?

    Phew!! A lot to think about, but as I Looked at my children and grandchildren, laughing, Joking and playing, filling the house with love and warmth and being the eternal optimist I am, I thought YES I wouldn’t change a dammed thing!!  If I didn’t know I had this horrid disease then I wouldn’t have gone to the consultant for help. He wouldn’t have then prescribed me with Ebixa when I was deemed to be getting worse, and the most important thing of all, I wouldn’t have planned anything for the future for my family and I.

    At least now I know (or at least have an idea) what’s to come and I purposely spend that much more time with my family and friends. Now I know I can talk to my family about my illness and by them knowing they can also relate to my “Off” or “Cloudy” days as I call them and they can deal with it in their own way. They are also prepared for what the future MAY hold and there will be no shocks if I get worse.

    Of course I say]IF I GET WORSE] because I do firmly believe that a cure will come one day soon, I have to don’t i??
    And then of course there are all my friends and internet friends who I would never have met if I hadn’t been diagnosed with this. But a diagnosis I have got and I have tried to make the best of it by raising as much awareness as possible. As I have always said it’s not always doom and gloom and after the weekend events I can guarantee its not.

    So there I sat, still looking at my children /grandchildren when a great big smile came over my face and I found myself grinning from ear to ear. The five years old came over and asked “Grandad, What’s so funny with a puzzled look on his face? As I scooped him up onto my knee`s I noticed everybody had turned round to see what he was looking at and why he had asked what he did.

    I simply replied “YOU ARE” “YOU ALL ARE” and I’m the luckiest man in the world to have such a wonderful family!! It was big hugs all round then back to playing with the youngest children. As you have probably guessed by now, I have never really grown up myself LOL LOL

    So here`s to the next year, and the next !!

    Best wishes, Norrms, Elaine and an ever growing family xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • ... whilst I pondered, weak and weary Wondering why I cannot sleep like so many nights before Whilst I nodded, never sleeping, I felt the darkness 'round me creeping As though my being were gently weeping, weeping at my soul's despair "'Tis my being" I muttered "weeping at my soul's despair - One more night and I'll tear out my hair.

    Okay. So that was an appalling rendition of the Raven, from Edgar Allan Poe. But I just happened to be in the mood for it!

    Now, to the crux of the matter.

    It's been a couple of weeks since I last had a decent night's sleep, I see no obvious explanation other than it's just going to be one of those times. If I don't get substantial sleep tonight and tomorrow night it's right back to the doctor's on Monday to see if we can revisit the beauty of Zopiclone that I so miss. I'm finding difficult to function properly on so little sleep and it's making me very tired all the time and very irritable. The only real sleep I've actually been getting is when my body's just so exhausted it physically can't stay awake any longer. It's SO unfun right now. I'm particularly concerned that I'll be back at uni in just over a week. How on Earth can I cope with Uni work when even trying to do nothing tires me out on such little sleep?

    I sometimes feel very envious of my fellow humans who aren't impeded by such things. I mean, I know that no one is without problems, but it must just be nice to be able to get into bed and fall asleep. And it must be nice to have hope or be joyous or even feel anything. I don't see me doing very well at uni, purely because I can't, in all honestly, promise that I'll be 100% present and dedicated to my work all the time. I know that I would never willingly neglect my studies but, when I'm depressed, I really don't feel like I have a choice. I'm not in control, I physically can't bring myself to do anything most of the time and I care about nothing, have motivation for nothing and see nothing as being worth it. I also think the same about pretty much every area of my life, I just don't see how I'm going to get through life if things continue as they are. I can't spend every other month lying in bed crying if I have a job and responsibilities. I can't be sitting at a desk working and then suddenly collapsing into tears and having co-workers calling for medical help because I'm unresponsive to their attempts at engaging me. Yes, yes, I know, 'Think positive! Focus on the good!' etc. etc. I honestly see myself, in about 10 years, living in some institution because I've been declared incapable of taking care of myself.

    You may have noticed I'm not a very happy person. You'll nary find any form of optimism in my writings, unless something pleasant has occurred, in which case the situation would naturally call for it. I'm aware that a positive attitude is the only way to recovery but, at where I am in my life right now, I just don't have it in me.

    I think that's all for now.

    Peace out, dudes.

    Tom x

    (And apparently there's a total lack of the ability to format the post here. Is that normal? -_-)

More Posts Next page »

Share this page


Get a daily digest of posts delivered to your email

Join the mental health blog

The mental health blogIf you have or care for someone who has a mental health condition and would like to write about it and seek the advice of others, we'd love you to join the blog. To join, simply complete this form and we'll set you up as soon as possible.

The mental health bloggers

The latest mental health bloggers are...

Katykat lives with arthritis and depression and contributes to both blogs
Candycan was diagnosed with Dissociative identity disorder (DID) last year
One little troubled teen has been self-harming for two years and was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She is seeing a counsellor regularly
mindmap wants the life he had back and is looking for some answers
AnnC1 has suffered from depression for many years and felt she was an outsider as a child
BaronessTom is a student with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and suffers from episodes of debilitating depression

Meet all the mental health bloggers.

More information:


Nothing in this blog should be taken as medical advice and the opinions are personal and not those of the NHS. If you have any concerns about your health you should contact your GP or use our medical advice now section.

Search this section