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Posts from December 2009

  • Hello again, long time no see. OK it's my fault I know but I have been making plans for 2010 to try to improve my self motivation, confidence and self worth. My resolutions are

    1. To start an Open University Course with the aim of eventually achieving a degree (BD Open Degree)
    2. To commence some voluntary work either with the elderly, the British Red Cross or the Hospice. I was a volunteer for years with the Red Cross so my loyalty will always lie with them but I also worked in a Psychiatric Day Hospital for a while with Alzheimers patients and really enjoyed that too. I need something which will find my SRN status useful but that I can do within my own physical limits (I have MS)
    3. To go on a cruise in the Autumn in lieu of my 50th birthday in June.

    What a lot of plans and I have already been in tears just filling in the OU forms when I see the word "examination!" but I must set myself challenges or I will just vegetate.

    My depression is still there and was reinforced by a recent failure to get a job after a terrible interview. I had an awful cold, only half a voice and a hacking cough - so although I wasn't surprised not to get it I was annoyed that my body had once again let me down. So I have decided that the voluntary sector is the way to go. It also means that I am not commited to firm holiday dates and if I'm not well it's not quite such a disaster although I hate the idea of letting anyone down.

    I still have dark thoughts and find myself thinking about dying every night when I get to bed and strangely when I'm in the bath. Sometimes the thought of going to sleep and not waking up seems wonderful. It's not helped by the MS fatigue which means I wake up in the morning tireder than when I went to sleep. I really need a reason to drag my carcass out of bed in the morning.

    One thing I am grateful for is that the weather here on the Isle of Wight has been much kinder than for many of you on the mainland. We have had no significant snow despite the fact that both Portsmouth and Southampton just across the Solent have had awful weather and many people have slipped and sustained injuries and a number of vehicles have been abandoned or "bumped" Would you elieve that some unscrupulous company has actually clamped some of the abandoned cars when the snow cleared and before owners were able to collect their vehicle and have now charged £150 to release them. Amazing - just what you need before Christmas.

    Right I will leave it there for now. Try to enjoy your Christmas or a Peaceful Holiday season if you are of another Religion. Remember it doesn't have to be perfect. I know you may have to cope with relatives you don't like and the stress of cooking a dinner for many mouths but there are others on the streets with no homes, children who are being abused, elderly people at home alone and over 100 families who have lost their sons and husbands, wives and daughters - all those wonderful brave service personnel in Afghanistan. God Bless them all. If you get the chance read the short story "A Christmas Invitation" to put things in perspective.

    Christmas can be a very lonely time even when surrounded by others. You are not alone though - pop along here or phone the Samaritans if you get really low. Christmas is just one day and there is a New Year just around the corner. Lets hope it is a good one for all of us.

  • The fear

    by Daniel S on 01 December 2009

    I visited a dermatology specialist this morning (having been referred by my GP). I was told that the unsightly blemish on my unsightly face is no more than solar lentigo. That's a benign liver spot caused by sun and ageing.

    My reaction was less one of relief than of indifference. I was well prepared to have my cheek nicked and a sample of blotch taken away for analysis. And I was ready for the results to indicate something nasty.

    The (slight) possibility of skin cancer was and remains far less worrying than what my local doctor told me a couple of weeks ago: if my medication continues to work as well as it has been doing, I'll soon be weaned off it.

    To me this proposition is not only counterintuitive but also very scary; I'm already foreseeing a citalopram-free spring in which I steadily fill with unfocussed rage, ennui and atomic-level gloom, leading to all the usual negative fallout at home and at work.

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