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Posts from January 2011

  • im trying to be "normal" you know to not stand out when your shopping at the supermarket to try to listen to what people are saying instead of trying not to think what there really thinking about me so im trying hard i feel that this is my last chance to fit in

    in reality im struggling with self harm issues and i seem to live in a different reality to everyone else i see them i hear them but were not in  the same time. i try to talk to people and smile where as im lonely and unwanted, ive been out of the house once in ten days now and going out is harder than ever i had to go to see my gp as i had a chest infection thers 5 gps there but i really just see two of them its very hard to trust people isnt it anyway niether of them were there so i had to see another one when the patient before came out i waited nearly 10 mins i should have guessed he was reading my files i suppose he was dissapointed it was only a chest infection and not i was readt to be sectioned ha ha  i was glad to get out though.prescriptions cost a fortune i  pay for the year long card it costs £109 a year but with my inhalors and everything else i get 7  a month so i guess i get my moneys worth sorry im rattling on about nothing i have the attention span of a goldfish

    ive done a blog on the weight loss blogs its me trying to be a normal person they dont know who i really am you see i hate myself and there seems no way for me to get any better so maybe im just living a lie trying to be normal hoping one day i wiill find something to hold on to  sorry if im talking a load of rubbish i cant seem to get a grip on reality today

  • Decision day

    by Katykat on 30 January 2011

    Today is a special day - worthy of a post. Today I made a decision!!!

    This morning I opened my eyes into the usual grey of my existence and I didn't think I really wanted to go there or do all that stuff again. Life long since lost any point.


    But then as I lay trying to think of a reason to get out of bed (apart from my cat scratching at the bedroom door for attention!!) my mind rewound 24 hours to the changing room in Asda and the tearfulness of the lumpy person in the mirror who couldn't get into any of the clothes she had brought to try on! My weight, with the enthusiastic help of Mirtazipine, is at present rising at the rate of two to three pounds a week. I really wanted to get the meds right this time and I can honestly say that if I felt well I would gladly accommodate the extra weight. If I am honest I feel worse than ever.  At first I misread how I feel. I mistook lethargy and malaise for depression. I have no interest in anything. I am existing in a grey world day after day where nothing changes, nothing happens - I'm just getting fat.

    So today I will reduce my meds and next week I will reduce them again.  I can't think beyond that until I get there but I need some control back in my life for better or worse. I can't predict the outcome but it can't be any worse than it is now.

  • Every day is different

    by hendy on 28 January 2011

    hi hope everyone is ahs well as they can be....my days are so up and down there are getting to me, today am having a really crap day think its because i keep thinking about going home......i would really like to move here with my friend and she says am welcome but all i keep thinking about is the negatives, changing doctors, changing cpn, changing benifits, then keep thinking what if they try and send me to work i wont bo able to cope and what if the doctors/cpn mess about with my tablets, also i will miss my family but i know i will be somewhat happier than where all the sh*t is at home oh i really dont know what to do things are crazy

     

    emma:(.xx

  • hi everyone thanks for all the comments its great to hear from new people ive been around i thought i had the flu before but it either came back worse or it was something else but im having the flu jab next year i havent been so poorly for years ive got the sort of cough you can hear miles away and they can hear me snoring downstairs and my sinuses are giving me a massive headache i havent been able to get out to buy anything for it. it gives me chance to have a moan about something else

    otherwise im still taking it day to day thats all you can do isnt it ive not been out of the house for a week now i dont have a lot to say really i havnt self harmed for a week now  with me being so poorly but the urges are coming back i know it makes me feel i am alive in a world were im not really attached to im still watching in and it makes me numb ive tried to do some thinking if i was brave there are people in this world i would ask them why they bullied and treated me the way they did what did i do to make people hate me that much but that has gone on all through my life maybe thats why i dont really feel like i belong here i guess with everything that went on its not supprising that i turned out the way i did. i have to put it all behind me but i cant im still supposed to be losing weight i havent weighed myself this week but i doubt its good news hubbies been cooking so its pizza or burgers etc with chips i lost five stone before but then i decided i would go out to work but now with all the stress ive put seven back on i know if i loose it i can go walking again i used to go out every day for about two hours on my own with the dogs out were nobody  went i used to enjoy it but i cant now i never want to try to work again thankfully i get esa now whitch is vital as well as dla my cpn helped me apply and im really glad she didanyway keep blogging

  • Two weeks of therapy have passed since my last confession. I'm progressing too fast now to write each revelation and heartache. I try to be honest and write my experience of therapy, rather than just my interpretation, but my experiences of therapy lately have been wounding. And my defences have so far prevented me from writing it down. It's too dangerous. I'm too afraid.

    I ache, thinking of death most days, even when cradled in my husband's arms. Even when smiling, laughing, with a colleague.

    I know therapy is meant to be hard. And I am making a lot of progress. But at what cost? I don't feel safe in there. I don't trust her. She's my shattered, frosty, bleeding mirror. And thanks to her, I no longer trust myself.

    I deserve better.

  • Stress

    by hendy on 23 January 2011

    Well this is going to be short havent really got much to say part from i went home and found it so stressful and ended up self-harming, but now am back with my friends and things are so different more relaxed and happy i wonder why?things feel so blank at the minute but different from when am at home am abit confused.....tourchwood hope you are coping has much as you can and hope too hear from you soon

     

    emma.x

  • wednesday afternoon

    by torchwood fan on 19 January 2011

    thanks for the comment hendy im really struggling the days seem harder to get through i cant stand being in the house but its even worse trying to get out. the pain of the loneliness and dispair feels like its closing in on me i cant shake it off i hate myself i dont want to be me anymore i just want to go to bed and to be left alone i feel like my hearts breaking in two. im confused the world is out there but i cant join in i can only look in seeing other people living their lives happily coping with life when i cant and dont even feel like trying.cpn s coming in the morning but how can she help if she could give me some tablets so i could sleep until i feel better but theirs no such thingmy arms really sore today with all the cutting from last night but i cant stop it makes me feel better just for a while thaks for reading i just needed to write it down just so someone knew

  • BPD is ruining my life

    by torchwood fan on 18 January 2011

    ive been trying to think about what to put i still seem to be in a life which i still am looking in to other peoples lives and i cant seem to speak or touch them they seem to be further away than i can touch i got my reply well the docters did about the weight management scheme. i cant go on it as i am too mentally unstable. it dosent seem fair i really need help with my weight although my appitite seems to have gone since the flu so hopefully some weight might come off. i saw my schyciatrist the other day i asked him about the topamax that i have asked about but he says its not registered in the uk and he didnt think he would give it too me because of the side effects so that was my last idea. i might see if i can go back on to  three lots of medication than two im on citalapram and quitiapine now. my cpn tells me i need to help myself but i dont have any willpower to do anything. i cant get off my backside to clean the house or shop i dont know what to do i feel really lonely and confused but cant do anything about it

    why do i have to feel like this it dosent seem fair i think thier worried about the self harm i know myself its getting worse but its the only way i can feel things im been seen weekly by my cpn and monthly by my schyciatrist but i still havent heard about the therapists appointment all i get is it will be soon. i sound ungratefull dont i lots of people dont get the help i do so really i dont deserve it do i.im not sleeping untill around 2am at the moment then im tired and sleep the morning away in the chair downstairs so im not tired again at night its a vicious circle,my head goes round and around trying to make sence of who i am and why i am here but i dont know there dosent seem to be a reason for me to be here i go from idea to idea to make me suffer then i might get an answer.money is short and i worry evenually i will have to go out to work but i cant cope ive been there i know how cruel people are i cant ever go through that again. sorry im moaning on again i dont mean too i just felt i had to reach out to someone tonight that youre really there and i just not going totally crazy

  • Life

    by hendy on 15 January 2011

    Well am going home in two days and am dreading it but i have decided that am only going home for a week then am gonna come back for another couple of weeks, my life seem so different here till home dont know why it could be just me and how i see things, my friend is so understanding and makes me feel relaxed and i havent even self harmed for two weeks but i bet i do when am back home.My cpn hasnt been in touch and i thought she would have been yeah i know i havent been in touch with her either but i have that feeling am been rejected again and cant bring myself to ring her even tho i would like to see her while am back that week so dont know what to do i could scream.the tablets still arent working and am on 100mg wonder if i should think about changing or just upping the dose ...bye for now i will blog again soon.

     

    emma.x 

  • This blog and comments

    by Candycan on 15 January 2011

    Does anyone else find that half the comments they write dont get published on the blog? It's really getting on my tits. It cant be to do with moderation because they don't contain anything inappropriate. I can see them on the manage page but they dont get published. Grr!

  • Having a massage

    by Candycan on 13 January 2011

    Today I went for a  massage which was a Christmas present I received. I am usually on high alert and tend to hold a lot of tension in my body so I wouldn't say I fel completely relaxed during it, but more relaxed than is my norm. Having someone give me attention and touch my body is not something I'm really used to and the process of having a massage in itself can be kind of stressful for me, which is probably why if I were going to buy myself such an experience, I would pick reflexology rather than a body massage as I am more able to enjoy it when it's just my feet being touched.

    The lady took a history from me beforehand. I wasn't really sure how much to tell her about my mental health. On one hand I didn't think it was relevant as it's not really a physical problem but on the other hand I thought I'd better just in case something weird happened to me during it.
    But then, what do you write on the form? I suffer from 'DID'? 'Dissociative Identity Disorder'? Nobody in this country knows what that is (I don't know about USA/Australasia/elsewhere? I'd be interested to hear if it is different).
    So then, do I say: 'I have what used to be called multiple personality disorder'? No, that would probably just help make someone scared of me.

    Well in the end I decided to put it down as complex PTSD, as I thought this is probably the nearest thing that would highlight what the therapist might need to consider and PTSD is relatively heard of so I wouldn't be asked questions would I?

    WRONG!

    She didn't know what PTSD was until I said out the full title and then she proceded to ask me what had happened. Well actually what she said was: "Did you have an incident?" LOL. Well I mumbled something about it being more of a long term thing from childhood and I think she probably realised I didn't want to give any more detail because she didn't ask any more about it.

    So anyway, the massage... The only thing I have to say about it aside from that I think I enjoyed it, is: I felt like there was a lot going on in my head during the process. And not just a lot going on, but changing states/thoughts/emotions. One minute I felt like myself, then like another part, then like several parts were there, then anxious, then and largely: not real at all. I found myself unsure of who I was or how to feel or what to think. I was trying to focus myself to be one person or to feel one thing and then realising I was not really cherishing the experience, but wasn't really in control of myself enough to do so. So then I would try to not think at all but then I wasn't 'present' either.

    And then being aware of another human touching my body, looking at me, touching my scars, knowing things about me that not even my family know. And the feeling of being touched in a soothing and gentle way. Stroking my hair, my hands. It felt like 'love'. Love from a stranger. I wasn't sure how to feel about being 'loved'. It's sadly not something I have experienced much of. But are there many people that do? I know my husband loves me, but it felt different. I'm not sure why. It was more nurturing. It reminded me of how my mum used to stroke my hair when I was lying on the sofa as a child. When did it become so hard to enjoy being touched this way?

    Does any of this make any kind of sense to anyone? If you have DID, have you ever had a massage? How did you feel during it? Did you notice any strange changes/emotions? Do you think it'a good thing?

  • Despair

    by Katykat on 13 January 2011

    Today I had an appointment with my GP.  I have been seeing him every three to four weeks as I battle my latest 'depressive episode'. It has been going on for so long now. Over the past several months I have seen at least three of our GPs and tried four or more different antidepressants. I am taking Mirtazapine 45mg at the moment.  I have had this in the past and it worked very well for depression but it made me gain a lot of weight. This time around I was so desperate to feel well that I decided to disregard the weight issue. I really don't care anymore how much I weigh as long as I can feel well and function.

    At this point I am a stone heavier that I was pre mirtazipine but I don't feel better. Nothing I have taken has made me feel better and now I have to say that I am frightened by my lack of response to any meds.

    I spoke to my doctor about discontinuation of  mirtazipine. What is the point of taking something that is making me fat but doing nothing else? My doctor named it despair - and he is right. That is what I feel just now. I have been referred to Psychology services and I think my doc is trying to get an earlier appointment for me. Despair asks the question - What is the point? I hope there is an answer.

     

     

  • confusing days

    by torchwood fan on 12 January 2011

    ive been in bed with flu recently its given me chance to do a lot of thinking ive being reading a book my cpn lent me about a woman with BPD ive just finished it  half way through i thought i had reached a point were i knew what i was about and how to  deal with it i slept that night knowing i was "cured" of BPD once and for all.when i woke up the next morning all my self confidence had gone and i was feeling worse than ever. saying i "feel" isnt exactly true really i dont know if i have feelings as such i think i live in a void of empiness where no one can help me and i cannot ask for help.im confused what is the point of my life yes,i have a family they love me i see them but i sometimes think if i reach out to touch them will they be there will there be real im not always sure.

    i wonder sometimes if im losing touch with reality if im in a different phase of life to everyone else that im looking inside a window watching everyone having their lives while i can only look on but i cannot ever join them im alone trying to feel something but coming up empty. i sit for hours doing nothing the house needs cleaning but i dont have the energy to get up im lonely but i dont want to talk to anyone so i sit waiting for the time i go to bed but i dont sleep i lay there for hours trying to work out my life im so tired mentally as well as physically

    i made tea today though sausage and chips was about all i could manage but we all ate it. im suppossed to be losing weight so not the best of meals but i tried my best i sit here with my head in my hands i dont know what to put to tell you how confused im feeling if im in the real world or not i need to feel something even if that is pain it is better than nothing isnt it if i self harm its one way of proving im here.tommorrow schyciatrist day i need to talk to him but i clam up i dont always know which words to use then i come out knowing ive messed up and it will be another 6 weeks before i get to see him again. they tell me medication isnt going to work i need more than tablets im still waiting for my therapist appiontment i guess i want everyone to cure me but i dont know what else to do

    life isnt going well if i had just one wish i would wish i had never been born that way i could never hurt anyone and they could never hurt me bye for now

  • Going Back to Go Forward (9)

    by JustEliza on 12 January 2011

    I arrived at therapy eager and ready to share how much ground I covered during the weeks she was on holiday. I pulled out a map of my ANP (apparently normal part) and EPs (emotional parts) and explained how I identify more with the EP-Sad: how it’s harder to integrate EP-Happy because I’ve spent so much time hiding and protecting it. I tried to talk about the music and how it helped me access the EPs, but I faltered when it came to EP-Happy.

     

    There was a block, I was struggling, and we both saw it. I admitted that it was too overwhelming to cover, and we moved on to EP-Sad.

     

    I tapped into an EP-Sad memory easily enough.

     

    “And do you remember how you felt?”

     

    The room clouded into a dark winter, chills whistling through the ghost-like trees, and the chair became splintered wood. There were lights on the other side of the small forest, and their laughter carried. My cries didn’t.

     

    I remember how I felt. “Angry.”

     

    A breath. Hesitation. “Lonely.” The room yellowed; I sat on a twin bed in a dusty loft, room bare except one tape playing Wilson Phillips over and over. “Except, it’s not lonely.” Everything dissolved around me. “It’s more than lonely.” My voice was a whisper. A deep, ragged emptiness was opening inside of me.

     

    She named it. “Despair.”

     

    I felt like the princess in Neverending Story, finally named by Sebastian. For a brief moment. And then I felt, well, despair. I felt despair into the night and into the next day. It was horrible. That might not seem like progress to you, but for me it was life-changing. Overjoyed.

     

    My research into adoption revealed a world of children with experiences identical to mine – and a world of people whose primary goals are to help them. I read detailed accounts of a 7 year old’s day from the eyes of their adoptive parent and I crumble in familiarity. An 'A-ha!' moment.

     

    My therapist asks pointedly about my marriage.  I smiled, because I had been expecting this question since day 1. How can I have suffered without attachments for so long and yet have attached to him?

     

    “I love him.”

     

    I love him, so why can’t I trust him? Why do I hide myself from him? Resist intimacy? Control everything?

     

    Together, my therapist and I acknowledged how I specifically seek out the role of Parent to avoid facing my own vulnerability. Even my mother-in-law seeks me out for counsel and protection. And I’m afraid, if I give up those roles, I will be rejected. Unnecessary. Unwanted. Unloved. Alone. Despair.

     

    We left therapy with a partially unanswered directive: in lieu of any other suitable relationships (and given that I am 30 years old), how can I parent myself?

     

    Thanks to my adoption research, I already knew how to find that answer. Self-care.

     

    I started by taking all of the photos of my parents and stuffing them in a drawer. I stood in the hallway, fists clenched, staring across an ocean, declaring to an empty house: “I am angry at you. I don’t like you. And it’s okay to feel that way.” It was unbelieveably cathartic, because it wasn't said in anger or hate. It was said out of deep respect for myself. I don't want to see my parents right now.

     

    It was a tumultuous weekend. I knew what I had to do, and I was afraid. We sat together in silence, he and I, for several minutes. I explained what happened in therapy that morning. I broke down in my husband’s arms. That’s a foolish phrase. I cried in my husband’s arms. I expressed my vulnerability, my grief, my fear, and my despair in my husband’s arms. I didn’t break down. I integrated.

     

    It’s a wall that still needs a lot of smashing, but I carved a window by accepting his love and protection of me.

     

    Suddenly, a part of me desired his approval. No. That desire was always there. Suddenly, I respected that desire. I cared for that desire. I cared for myself. I respected myself. 

     

    I’ve been able to keep the kitchen clean ever since.

  • Feeling good!

    by AnnC1 on 10 January 2011

    I'm feeling so much better!

    My change of medication hasn't had time to take full effect yet - the sertraline was useless.  I think much of it is from thinking about what Brian said, and his prayer.  I've made a montage of friends with whom I could discuss emotional issues - true, most live quite a way away, but I DO have friends!  My vet says he's honoured to be included, along with his wife.  The ' furries' are a comfort too, if rather an expensive one.  It looks as if Silver is on three lots of life-long medication - but I have given her a good life since she was put up for rehoming, and needed an immediate lumpectomy and spay for a benign, hormone-dependent tumour - then developed long-term chest, and probably heart problems.

    I'm back on one of the most effective combinations I've had before - clomipramine 50mg and trazodone 50mg, to be increased if necessary.  So far, apart from taking 20 minutes to provide a urine specimen, I've not been bothered by side-effects.  I often have urinary problems with clomipramine.  I think the Lyrica helps, too - but I'm being changed to gabapentin, with a similar action on nerve pain, because of cost.

    My pain relief was changed to Oxycontin 10mg twice daily, but unless I use my TENS and/or a hot wrap, I have a lot of breakthrough pain.  Today has been bad - I had to have a taxi to the vet, and it's not far along the road.  I'm toying with quite a long journey on Saturday to a rat show.  I feel guilty because I have taken painkillers I should have stopped.

     

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