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by milkybar on 27 April 2011

Well, it was only a matter of time... I wish I hadn't broken down infront of everyone at work, and definately not infront of a patient!

So I was sent home yesterday lunch, I can't tell you exactly what happened leading up to the moment I realised I couldn't handle everything. My memory chooses not to show me this. Perhaps it's saving me from something. I worked for 3 and a half hour and I have no recollection of the event.The most I remember is coming downstairs to the shop floor... Walking through back to my area of work... Stepping outside to were my manager was... and then that was it... I broke, I collapsed, I cried and I couldn't stop... I shook I smoked I lost all control...

I think I may be off a while, I want to be right before I go back again. It makes me feel somewhat worse though, the thought that they will struggle if they get busy and I am not there to help. But would I really be any help. I can't concentrate, I make mistakes, I risk killing someone if my error isn't seen by another and the patient takes it... What if I have already done this... I'm shaking again. How can my doctor say I am no risk to anyone.

I went to see my doctor yesterday, a different one though as the one I saw last week is fully booked up until next week... I couldn't wait, I wish I had. I was sat in the waiting room for an hour before it was my turn to be seen. It was full of other patients, this didn't bother me but I wonder if I bothered them. I had my folks with me. I couldn't have done it alone. I shouldn't have from the start. I went into the patient toilet several times.. I never actually went to the toilet but to hide. I fought urges... Smashing my head into the mirror, the wall... I stared at myself for ages, It didn't look like me. I screamed at myself. The waiting was horrible. I ccouldn't stay still... Then my name was called, the doctor is one of a kind.. Only he could probably have got away with LAUGHING at me! Laughing?!

I rememeber overdosing last year (during the world cup), It was this doctor I had seen, his reply to me was "well just because England are out doesn't mean you have to try and kill yourself"

I don't remember much of what he said, my mother did most of the talking as I couldn't think or speak... He's put me on 1mg of Haloperidol at night, I'm off to work today to get my prescription...

I did sleep last night though, after fighting more self harming thoughts... I even took my razor head off and tried to snap it all up... I really don't know why I stopped or how... I am glad I did but somewhat wouldn't have been too bothered if I hadnt... I have a new peace tactic... I count my scars... Makes me wonder at the same time though if I will ever meet a guy and have him love me, I am no longer pretty, just a broken shell unprotecting my shattered soul!

I self decided to double my Temazepam dose to 20mg last night! The 10mg obviously hadn't worked the night before as I had ZERO sleep! It could have worked due to the fact my body was exhausted, even if I wasn't. I only woke twice, breifly. Once at three for half hour and again at five! I feel somewhat better in myself having slept, but I can't help but wonder for how long.

I have to go back to the surgery next week as I only have enough tablets for a week to see how they work, I hope I get my first doctor, he's nice :) and helpful and doesn't laugh at me!

I may go for a long walk today, fresh air and exercise! The weather is sunny again! :)


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