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I will keep this untitled! Although I have titled it!

by milkybar on 19 April 2011

"Eyes closed... Breath in... And breath out... And in..." This never works for me! I should keep trying but I give up. I give up too much!

So the other day, well I was scared... But I can still say ONE YEAR soon! It's a struggle though. I sent my self to bed... Even though I have not slept since Sunday! Maybe the odd hour here and there. It is annoying to keep looking at your alarm clock, You dose off... and what feels like hours is only 14 minutes! Then you go into a deep sleep... Although its not because that was only an hour! My boss says maybe I am going to bed too early, I will try and stay up late tonight... and hope I fall asleep at twelve and the next digits I see are 6:30am! ... Not 1:00... 1:15... 2:00... 2:47.... 3:06.... (random but you get the point) I hope... I am useless ... I babble on and on sometimes!

I dont quite understand what is happening though, I have worked two full days had next to no sleep and have this rush feeling in me.. Although my eyes are red and my hair's a mess I just cannot stop or switch off!

So, after this weekend of realising something wasn't right! (It does make a change to actually feel it!) I spoke to my boss at work, as I have previously said the ones I should turn to I can't right now... I shouldn't turn to anyone, I shouldn't turn to the guys at work really either... As close as we are (always good considering the time at work is usually greater than time spent with anyone else... full time anyways!) everyone has their own personal issues, be it families, bills, pets, health, etc! They do not need mine to worry over also!

I did try to get to see my GP today... To make an appointment explain what I am feeling etc... And also what help I want and need... BUT... As no suprise 5minutes after opening I got through "Can I make an appointment?" .... "I am sorry we are fully booked, a triage nurse is available, I can put you in with her?" .... But we all know that that won't happen as she cannot help with anything to do with me on this issue! I had the option of sit and wait... But full time working does not allow for sitting in a surgery three hours waiting to be seen! .... So I have still NO appointment with my GP ... No tablets to help me sleep, No help with anything I am feeling..... Nothing!

So I was going to call out of hours surgery tonight, but I have no transport.. I cannot get my dad to take me, he doesn't understand these things... He doesn't understand my mother, my sister, my grandad... He gets worked up and annoyed and shouts and screams and as horrible as it is and I hate for saying this about him as he's my dad... He makes me feel guilty... When I am ill my mother gets ill (for those who are new or have not read my previous posts, my mother has bi polar disorder... stresses in daily life and activity trigger it to affect her) For this reason I don't talk about me and how I am feeling... "OKAY" "FINE" "GOOD" Are all that I will say when they ask how I am!! I know he doesn't mean it... It maybe how he deals with it... How hard it must be for someone to have his wife and his two daughters suffer with "mental illness" (my sister has OCD)

So... I have babbled on again... I am sorry! When I start to type I just carry on! I am talking in my head... and whatever I think about just gets typed! Or written... if I am not on here!

I only came on to say what had happened in these last few days after having these thoughts... Maybe I should shut up! I can't stop, I have gone from being so down to being up, racing, no stopping... I didn't stop at work... we take turns to have a lunch hour... I just carried on... "you go next am fine for a bit"... It was half three when my boss said are you having a break, I just thought doing this may tire me out to sleep a little better tonight... But I am still racing!

I was gonna go for a run tonight, a bit of exercise, now the daylight lasts a little longer!... I can't... I won't stop! I will run and run and run and I don't know if I can come back... Or I will get so far and collapse and cry... Or sit and think... Or or or or I don't know....

So I am sat here... twitching, shaking.... I have been shaking all day, I was dispensing today and couldn't put the labels on straight, or initial my work as I could not hold a pen, I could not type the directions as my fingers just tapped and was hitting all keys and it took too long... I got frustrated... I went out for a fag, for several infact to calm down... I even cried, all over not seeing the doctor! I circled a few times... I stood and spun round and around to figure out what I was doing! What must my collegues think of me... My concentration is still here though... I know it is... It has to be... I wouldn't be doing this otherwise...

Last night I argued with myself... Do you ever just want part of you to disappear! screaming at yourself in the mirror to (not as politely put last night) but .. go away and leave me alone... only to get the reply "why don't you!!" ............ "I tried too... But you are still here... following me everywere!!"  .... 

I hope I switch off soon!! How long can you go without sleep before you collapse! Please say soon... Please say tonight...

I wanted to be okay, I wanted to come back here and say I am fantastic, I wanted to help you all... I feel selfish that I can't I am not about me... I don't like me very much! I hate me at times... oh dear... me me me me me ....I am sorry... I truely am!!

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Aunt Shreddie said on 19 April 2011

Have you tried ringing your surgery number and getting the emergency number off their voicemail?  Then you can get a doctor to call you back and they may even call in.

Or - phone NHS Direct for advice.  Hope you feel better.

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