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so nervous to see T..

by KimiAndCo on 30 March 2011

last week in T i opened up to him properly for the first time.. i told him about two incidents of r*pe (sorry, i cant type or see the word without being triggered...) that happened in past relationships. it was so hard for me to stay there, i wanted to switch so badly, but i was too scared to switch at all so the system just shut down and i ended up sat there shaking and i couldnt look at T at all. he was really understanding and i know he wont judge me or anything, but i still feel like he might, what if ends up being turned around to be my fault? i know this wont happen, but i have it stuck in my head that it will. the only other person who knows is my best friend, even my boyfriend doesnt know.. it's so hard to say these things to anyone and now i wonder if it was too early for me to tell him about it? this is the first T i've had and i dont want to end up feeling like i need to see someone else.. i dont want things to go wrong

i hate working through these memories.. there arent many that i remember but what i do.. i dont want to have to go through it. i know, that's why i'm in T, right? it's just so hard. i worry that if i work through some of the memories then we'll integrate, i dont want that to happen at all and i'm so scared that it will.

we're also worried how we go about T meeting someone other than me... what happens if we switch in T? what happens if someone else is already out when it's time to go to T? i dont know what will happen... will they spend time getting to know each other at first? or will T want to talk about their memories? or what? none of us know what to expect and so we're really nervous about T meeting someone else...

eurgh, this all kinda sucks..

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Candycan said on 30 March 2011

Your T is trained and experienced in dealing with trauma and dissociation so will surely understand how difficult the session was for you and will in no way judge you or feel it was your fault. No one with two brain cells to rub together would think that it was your fault.

Having said that, I have found there have been things that I've shared with my T that I wasn't ready to share and it caused me to start dissociating and being very depressed and not able to function in my life so the 'things' had to go on a shelf. It's important not to rush anything.

I have a tendency to try to force myself to talk and deal with stuff as I get impatient but sometimes it can be too much. I guess you know yourself though, do you feel ready to talk through these things with your T? If so, then you should feel confident that you are doing the right thing and talking to the right person. If not then your T should respect that too.

My T has at times said that it isn't always necessary to remember everything or go over every detail of things that have happened. I feel that for me it is necessary. Would it be helpful if you talked to your T about your concerns about talking about these things (that was a mouthful!)?

OK I am at risk of being the annoying person who thinks they have the answers to everyones problems so I will stop bugging you soon but I just also wanted to say that I understand your worries about 'who your T might meet'.

This is something I have concerns about myself. How will T react to meeting another part? But I feel if it happens it's because that part feels safe showing themselves and I don't think they will show themselves until that trust is there. Again, your T works in the field of dissociation, so obviously won't react like your family does. He believes it is real and will not hurt you.

I've gone on too long. Sorry!

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