Too much TV causing weighty children – discursive article/report

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This piece of writing was linked to work in science on keeping healthy. The class had read a newspaper article which argued that children watch too much television. Some of the information from the article has been used in this argument text.

Pupil's discursive writing showing a page of printed text, titled 'TOO MUCH TV CAUSING WEIGHTY CHILDREN?', with teacher annotations.
There are four paragraphs. The first paragraph reads 'Did you know that your son or daughter has high chances of being a TV addict? The majoroty of todays children spend more than four hours glued to the sqawk-box. (TV) If this is so, your child will do less well in school and be less fit. A recent survey reveals the alarming news, carried out and reported by 'Easter and Life', 'Easter and Life' survey surveyed over 2000 children, aged 8-15. The children were asked questions about TVs in their bedroom and munching while watching TV. The shocking news is that 50 percent of children watch more than four hours of TV a day and that another 50 percent eat junk food all the time. They also found out that 25 percent of children doze off in classes!' This paragraph is annotated with the notes 'Engaging opening establishes clear viewpoint (AF1 L5 b3)' and 'Selection of facts adds credibility to article (AF2 L5 b1)'. The second paragraph reads 'Stacy Fashoin who is eleven years old, is a typical exaple. Her teachers and parents are worried about her behaviour. Stacy's last school report showed that she was below average in every subject except art, for which she seems to have a special talent. Her behaviour towards other school subjects are appauling. She is seen to switch off and have a nap in the middle of lessons. Stacy does not complete any homework given and dislikes vigourous activities. She is aggressive and known to fight at play times; teachers think this is caused by watching too much TV. She has no special friends and is falling behind in a lot of work. Stacy's parents and teachers, who are both very concerned about Stacys behaviour, hope other parents and gardians make sure their children spend less time watching TV.' This paragraph has been annotated with the notes 'Syntax and punctuation within sentences generally accurate, with commas to mark clauses (AF6 L5 b2)' and 'Paragraphs help to organise content (AF4 L4 b1) Within paragraphs, limited range of connectives used to link sentences (AF4 L4 b2)'. The third paragraph reads 'The problem while watching TV for more than 4 hours a day is that your child will be unhealthy. They just sit there and just have to press a button on the remote control when they're bored and the channel is changed. So they are not even getting up to change the channel. All they have to do is watch the flickering images in front of their eyes. This means their eye sight can become damaged and they are not using any phisical effort and will be less fit, which is not good for their bodies.' This paragraph is annotated with the notes 'Style generally appropriate to ask though awareness of the reader not always sustained (AF2 L4 b3)' and 'Reasonably wide vocabulary used (AF7 L5 b2)'. The last paragraph reads 'So do you think your child might be a TV addict? You'd better check what they're doing right now and just turn it off!' This has been annotated with the note 'Ending refers back to opening to provide effective conclusions for piece (AF3 L5 b2)'. Throughout the document, the words 'majoroty', 'appauling', 'vigourous', 'aggresive', 'gardians' and 'phisical' have been highlighted and annotated with the note 'Some phonetically plausible errors in the spelling of content words (AF8 L5)'. The closing paragraph is annotated with the notes 'Main purpose of writing is clear (AF2 L4 b1)' and 'Although closing refers back to opening, the final point is something of an add-on, weakening the earlier authoritative stance (AF3 L4 b2)'.

Assessment summary

In this response, Farida uses direct address to the reader to engage attention and establish a clear viewpoint (AF1), although the piece does not sustain the same level of awareness of the reader (AF2). Relevant ideas are developed with some detail and appropriately shaped for the chosen form (AF1). Material is organised into paragraphs (AF3) which are logically ordered, although the direction of the writing is not always clearly signalled. Within paragraphs, cohesion is supported by straightforward links between sentences, mainly subject repetition and some use of pronouns (AF4). Farida uses a range of sentence structures (AF5), contributing to effect and emphasis, and her sentence demarcation is consistently accurate, with some use of commas to mark clauses (AF6). The range of vocabulary is varied and sometimes ambitious (AF7), although the spelling of some content words is phonetically plausible rather than accurate (AF8).

In this piece, there is evidence that Farida has fulfilled the criteria for most AFs at level 5, with AF2 and AF3 being slightly less secure. A strength of the piece is the sense of an individual voice (AF1) conveyed in phrases such as 'munching while watching TV'; 'watch the flickering images in front of their eyes'; 'You'd better check what they're doing right now' which suggests that Farida is developing independence in developing an appropriate style for a particular text type.